The wrong door . . . or no?

(The following is my own opinion, based on the facts as I am aware of at this moment.  My opinions may change as I learn more of the facts surrounding this case.)

In the summer of 1983, I lived in Dorman Hall at Florida State University.  One day, I came back from class and got into the elevator.  When the elevator door opened, I got off the elevator, turned down the hallway, went down a few feet and stuck my key in the lock of a door . . . and asked myself, why isn't the door unlocking?

That's when I looked up and saw that the number on the door was 206, not 306. 

I hadn't been paying attention and I got off on the wrong floor and went to the wrong door.  

In Dorman Hall, as in many residence halls built in the 1950's and 1960's, the corridors all look alike.  So unless you know what floor you've gotten off on, it's easy to go to the wrong door.

That's why, when I heard of the alleged circumstances surrounding Botham Jean's shooting, I understood how going to "the wrong door" could have been a possibility.  Amber Guyger, the Dallas police officer arrested and charged with his shooting, claims that, after a long shift, she parked on a level she normally didn't park on and ended up going to the wrong apartment.  Her apartment is directly below Botham Jean's.  The apartment complex where they both lived is described as having symmetrical hallways, and other residents, according to this New York Times article, have reported occasionally going to the wrong apartment.  Maybe that's why Botham Jean put his red mat in front of his door.

That doesn't explain, though, the door being ajar.

Although, if I thought it was my apartment, I'd be concerned. 

That also doesn't explain her not noticing the red mat in front of his door.  In the case of me going to the wrong door at Dorman Hall, though, I wasn't paying attention and I might not have seen a mat in front of the door. 

In her version of events, she opened the door to a dark apartment and saw a silhouette of someone, gave "verbal commands" and when he didn't respond, she shot him.  Then she turned on the lights and realized she was in the wrong apartment.

Lawyers for Botham Jean's family say that his door was closed.  Neighbors have said that they heard someone banging on the door shouting, "Let me in!" and "Open up!" before they heard gunshots.  They've also said they heard someone, maybe Botham Jean, saying, "Oh, my God, why did you do that?" 

Jean's family also say that he and Amber Guyger did not know each other.  

On the day of Jean's funeral, the media broadcast the results of a search warrant executed at his apartment.  The police found, according to an inventory:

• 2 fired cartridge casings
• a laptop computer
• a black backpack with police equipment and paperwork
• an insulated lunch box
• a black ballistic vest with "police" markings
• 10.4 grams of marijuana in ziplock bags (less than an ounce)
• a metal marijuana grinder
• 2 RFID keys'
• 2 used packages of medical aid

Of course, what did the media immediately pounce on?  The marijuana.  The lawyer for Botham Jean's family has accused the police of mounting a smear campaign against Botham Jean.  There's even been some speculation that the marijuana was planted in Jean's apartment. (The police had been called earlier to Jean's complex by someone complaining of a strong smell of marijuana on the floor where Jean lived.) 

We have yet to hear the results of any search warrant executed on Amber Guyger's apartment.  

In another account of events, Guyger was allegedly struggling with the lock when Jean opened the door and confronted her.  

Since I wasn't there, I can't tell you what happened.  There are only two people that know the whole truth, and one of them is dead.  In the early stages of any investigation, and especially a high-profile one with loads of media attention, there are going to be conflicting reports and reports that are downright wrong.

But what it all boils down to is this:  An African-American man was killed in his own home by a white off-duty police officer.

This is frightening.  

I'm a white woman.  As much as I may want to "get it", I will never truly "get it".  Just like people who want to will never truly "get" what my husband and I deal with in raising a son with autism. 

I'm a white woman who wants to believe that the Civil Rights movement and the laws that were passed as a result solved the race problem in this country.

I'm a white woman that wants to believe that law enforcement and the legal system is truly "blind" except to facts, and that people can objectively look at facts, piece them together, and come to a correct conclusion. 

But is this true?

There may be laws ending legalized discrimination, but those laws do nothing to change the hearts of people.  Attitudes cannot be legislated.  The attitude of racism and prejudice can't be changed by law.

And I only need to take a quick look at history to see that no, "the system" isn't blind except to facts. 

This particular shooting has resonated with me more than others have because Botham Jean was a member of the Church of Christ, as I am, and he graduated from the same university that many members of my congregation are affiliated with.  People I know are expressing deep anger and deep sorrow. 

Did Amber Guyger go to the wrong apartment by mistake, find the door ajar, go in, and shoot a man, thinking he was a burglar in her apartment?

Did she go to the wrong apartment by mistake, try to open a closed door, get confronted by Botham Jean, and shoot him?

Or did she go to his apartment on purpose to confront him and to shoot him?

Did she go to the wrong door?

Or no?

Right now, I don't know.  Right now, I don't have the answers.  Right now, I don't know all of the facts.  I only know that a lot of people are hurting and angry. 

This particular entry is mostly me, as a white woman, trying to work out my feelings and my observations about yet another white cop-black victim shooting in the United States.  The facts must come out.  Justice must be served for Botham Jean.  Amber Guyger must be treated as any other accused would be. 

I want justice.  I want truth.  And I don't want our anger and our grief to overshadow anyone's search for truth.  

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Empathy fatigue and adverbial correctness

I have empathy fatigue.

I'm currently on vacation, in Florida relaxing at my mother-in-law's house.  She's a gracious hostess and I appreciate her hospitality.

It was probably before I left that I started developing empathy fatigue.  When I heard about the shooting in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, I thought, "Not again.  Here we go again."

On the drive down to Florida, we stopped at McDonald's for breakfast, and that was when I learned, courtesy of a big-screen TV blaring CNN all over the place, that TWO black men, in different parts of the country, had been shot by white policemen in 24 hours.  One of them was the shooting in Baton Rouge.  The other was in St. Paul, Minnesota.  The MN shooting was live streamed on Facebook.  The Baton Rouge shooting was also videoed and placed on the Internet.

After seeing the news on CNN, all I wanted to do was cry.  Because such shootings have happened too often.  And I predicted that violence such as what happened in Ferguson would follow.

What I did not predict -- indeed, what probably no one else predicted -- was the senseless slaughter from ambush of five Dallas police officers, murdered in cold blood.

That, I learned of when I sat down for breakfast Friday morning, opened up my iPad, and saw as the first alert from my news apps.  All I could do was whisper, "Oh, my God."

I, like probably numerous others in this country, am just plain overwhelmed and tired from all of the violence, murder, and other bad news we've been hearing recently.  Orlando knocked the Standford rape case out of the headlines.  A bombing in Iraq knocked Orlando out of the headlines.  Baton Rouge knocked that bombing out of the headlines.  St. Paul knocked Baton Rouge out of the headlines.  Dallas knocked both Baton Rouge and St. Paul out of the headlines.  The American flag has been at half-mast for so long and for so many times, I've forgotten who, at the moment, we're supposed to be honoring.

What next?  What next?

I'm worn out from trying to care and from being expected to care.  I describe it as "empathy fatigue". I think the correct term is "compassion fatigue", and it's common among those who serve in the helping professions.

Not only am I worn out from trying to care, I am worn out from trying to be adverbially correct.

That's not meant to be a comment on the use of correct grammar.  Rather, I feel as if I have to have the politically, socially, Bibically, spiritually, -- whatever -ly word you want to use -- correct position on every. single. issue that is out there.  And the thought of having to do the research and thinking to come up with whatever that position is just leaves me overwhelmed.

And in addition, I feel that no matter what I say, as a white woman, I am going to be labeled as either "racist" or "privileged".

If I am not an overt racist, I'm a covert racist.
If I'm not a covert racist, I'm an inadvertent racist.
If I'm not an inadvertent racist, I'm an unconscious racist.
If I'm not an unconscious racist, I'm a subtle racist.

And if I'm none of the above, I'm "privileged" solely because I'm white.

Therefore, since I am white and privileged,  nothing I say counts.

At the risk of offending friends on both sides of the political aisle, I'm going to say two things:
1.  Sometimes the police officer is the bad guy.
2.  Sometimes the African-American who is shot by the police is the bad guy.

Neal Boortz, a retired talk show host who was based in Atlanta, has said that when a young black is shot by a white police officer, the narrative is that the young black is ALWAYS innocent and the white officer is ALWAYS guilty.  I can't say that he's totally wrong.  Because that does seem to be the narrative these days.  What I resent about these police shootings is that NO ONE is willing to wait until the facts come out before they start casting blame--whether it be at the white cop or the African-American victim.

On the other hand, we DO have a tragic history of racism when it comes to the treatment of African Americans by white officers--and sadly, there are some white officers that still automatically treat African-Americans as if they are criminals when they are not.  One of my minister's sons is African American.  He's been subject to such treatment from white police officers.

We live in a world where it seems that right has become wrong, wrong has become right, and the world has turned upside down.  To tell me, as a Christian, to, "just read your Bible and do what it says" doesn't completely help , because ANYONE can take the Bible and use it to "prove" that what they are saying is accurate.  To go through and try to prove or disprove every.single.teaching that is out there is a job I just can't do.

I"m a white woman who doesn't want to be a racist.  I'm a Christian who wants to follow God's command to love Him, love others, and reach the lost.  Is there no way for me to do it without falling victim to empathy fatigue and/or having to be adverbially correct on everything?

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.