Sometime in 1955, a secretary in Richmond, Kentucky picked up an envelope, slit it open with her letter opener, and pulled out an application for admission to Eastern Kentucky University.
She passed it on to the appropriate people in the registrar's office, who read the following:
The applicant listed his date of birth as August 24, 1932, which would make him either 22 or 23, depending on when the application was received.
He was born in Baxter, Kentucky, right next to Harlan, a town built on the coal industry and famous (infamous?) for union violence. No doubt the people who read the application knew the term "Bloody Harlan".
He graduated from Rosspoint Elementary in 1947; hmm, decent grade point average, in spite of the fact that they couldn't do a full school term in the mid-1940's.
Yes, he was a high school graduate, class of 1953, Loyall High School; again, decent grade-point average.
Of particular note to the reigstrar's office was the applicant's service in the military. He was in the Army between 1953 and 1955, stationed in Pusan, Korea. He didn't fight in the Korean War, because the conflict was over by the time he got there. Although he'd been assigned to an ordnance unit, he wound up being a company clerk, an indispensable part of his military unit.
The applicant may or may not have mentioned that he was the fourth child of five, and that his mother raised their family alone after the father died in an accident.
He'd never been in trouble with the law, and he had decent character references, all of whom attested that he'd make a good addition to the student body at Eastern Kentucky.
The office stamped the application "accepted", and soon after, a secretary dropped an envelope in the mail addressed to Baxter, Kentucky, containing a letter welcoming the applicant to the graduating class of 1960.
Not only did he graduate with that class, he returned later to obtain his teaching credential, which he used in a successful teaching career.
In the above, I just dramatized/fictionalized my father's application to college.
Now, I want you to take a look at his information and ask yourself one question:
If, on the application, the race listed was "colored" instead of "white", what do you think the decision of the registrar's office would have been?
Your answer to that question may give you a good example of white privilege.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Statcounter
Thursday, February 27, 2020
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Words usually associated with the Bible Belt . . .
Right now, I'm doing a re-reading of Ray Blackston's Flabbergasted, a hilarious, wonderful Christian novel about a stockbroker who went to church to meet women and wound up meeting Jesus instead. (Read it!)
In one scene, the stockbroker is trying to calm down an angry client. The client's response is written as: "Words not usually associated with the Bible Belt rattled in my headset."
I found that a funny, appropriate way of describing the client's response without resorting to the actual words.
Yesterday, I got to use that phrase in responding to a thread containing atrocious, offensive, racist responses to someone's blog.
Bobby Valentine, a Church of Christ preacher, writes a blog about church history and his theological journey. Yesterday, he posted a link to this blog entry on a Facebook group. He wrote about why we need Black History Month. Bobby is white but has a heart and desire to learn about people of color and to understand their history and culture, as much as it's possible for a someone who's not a person of color.
He received this response: "Why do we spend an entire month celebrating the history of a group of people who make 15% of the American population, and literally contribute nothing but violence and crime, and then completely ignore the European Americans?"
That, alone, makes me want to use a long list of words "not usually associated with the Bible Belt". Does he not remember the names of Ron McNair, Oprah Winfrey, Barack and Michelle Obama, Mae Jemison, Nichelle Nichols, Stevie Wonder, and others?
And does he also not realize that "European Americans" are hardly ignored? See George Washington, our Founding Fathers, Abraham Lincoln, et. al.
I truly hope this poster was a troll, or a bot, because he went on to state: (and the following contains words that will be considered offensive, so please exercise appropriate self-care.)
"If you're white and don't understand or care why your own race, and your own people who founded this country, and created the greatest civilizations aren't celebrated, you're blind."
"I'm asking why there's no celebration, not even one day, for the achievements and influence of European people in America, who founded and created this country, and wanting that makes me a white supremacist?"
He ended with "you're just completely cucked by the (((media)))".
When someone asked what (((media))) meant, I was stunned by the answer (this Wikipedia article gives a more thorough explanation): The triple parenthesis is right-wing hate speech for "Jewish." "Cucked" is right-wing hate speech meaning "people who are fools and believe "lamestream" media. "Cucked" is short for "cuckold," a reference to a man whose wife has been unfaithful to him. The word is often used as a term of derision.
In other words, Bobby was being stupidly deceived by the Jewish-owned media.
No, those are not words usually associated with the Bible Belt, but I deliberately used them to show to show the evil that is out there and that, unfortunately, some Christians believe.
I can point to a long list of people of color, starting in my own church, who do not contribute "nothing but violence and crime". In fact, people of color have too often been the victims of that "violence and crime".
I can point to Columbus Day, Presidents' Day, and Fourth of July as days when the achievements of "European Americans" have been celebrated.
And I wonder if by "European Americans" this poster means, "White, Anglo-Saxon, and Protestant", because Italians, Irish, Slavics, and Catholics have routinely been targets of scorn and prejudice. (Look up the acronym Nina. And who remembers Polish jokes?)
Are these the words that we want to have "usually associated with the Bible Belt"? Words that denigrate people of color and people who are not Christian? Words that hate and attack?
I worry about being racist, because I'm white, and I don't understand what people of color have and do face in this country. While I can say I'm not a blatant racist (I am not a Klan member and I abhor our history of slavery and Jim Crow) I worry about being a subtle, unknowing racist.
This is not what I want associated with the Bible Belt.
But apparently, according to some, the Bible Belt stands for exactly that.
I fear for our country. I fear that the polarization has become so extreme that there is no way to bridge it.
Are these words words that we want associated with the Bible Belt?
Think about it.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
In one scene, the stockbroker is trying to calm down an angry client. The client's response is written as: "Words not usually associated with the Bible Belt rattled in my headset."
I found that a funny, appropriate way of describing the client's response without resorting to the actual words.
Yesterday, I got to use that phrase in responding to a thread containing atrocious, offensive, racist responses to someone's blog.
Bobby Valentine, a Church of Christ preacher, writes a blog about church history and his theological journey. Yesterday, he posted a link to this blog entry on a Facebook group. He wrote about why we need Black History Month. Bobby is white but has a heart and desire to learn about people of color and to understand their history and culture, as much as it's possible for a someone who's not a person of color.
He received this response: "Why do we spend an entire month celebrating the history of a group of people who make 15% of the American population, and literally contribute nothing but violence and crime, and then completely ignore the European Americans?"
That, alone, makes me want to use a long list of words "not usually associated with the Bible Belt". Does he not remember the names of Ron McNair, Oprah Winfrey, Barack and Michelle Obama, Mae Jemison, Nichelle Nichols, Stevie Wonder, and others?
And does he also not realize that "European Americans" are hardly ignored? See George Washington, our Founding Fathers, Abraham Lincoln, et. al.
I truly hope this poster was a troll, or a bot, because he went on to state: (and the following contains words that will be considered offensive, so please exercise appropriate self-care.)
"If you're white and don't understand or care why your own race, and your own people who founded this country, and created the greatest civilizations aren't celebrated, you're blind."
"I'm asking why there's no celebration, not even one day, for the achievements and influence of European people in America, who founded and created this country, and wanting that makes me a white supremacist?"
He ended with "you're just completely cucked by the (((media)))".
When someone asked what (((media))) meant, I was stunned by the answer (this Wikipedia article gives a more thorough explanation): The triple parenthesis is right-wing hate speech for "Jewish." "Cucked" is right-wing hate speech meaning "people who are fools and believe "lamestream" media. "Cucked" is short for "cuckold," a reference to a man whose wife has been unfaithful to him. The word is often used as a term of derision.
In other words, Bobby was being stupidly deceived by the Jewish-owned media.
No, those are not words usually associated with the Bible Belt, but I deliberately used them to show to show the evil that is out there and that, unfortunately, some Christians believe.
I can point to a long list of people of color, starting in my own church, who do not contribute "nothing but violence and crime". In fact, people of color have too often been the victims of that "violence and crime".
I can point to Columbus Day, Presidents' Day, and Fourth of July as days when the achievements of "European Americans" have been celebrated.
And I wonder if by "European Americans" this poster means, "White, Anglo-Saxon, and Protestant", because Italians, Irish, Slavics, and Catholics have routinely been targets of scorn and prejudice. (Look up the acronym Nina. And who remembers Polish jokes?)
Are these the words that we want to have "usually associated with the Bible Belt"? Words that denigrate people of color and people who are not Christian? Words that hate and attack?
I worry about being racist, because I'm white, and I don't understand what people of color have and do face in this country. While I can say I'm not a blatant racist (I am not a Klan member and I abhor our history of slavery and Jim Crow) I worry about being a subtle, unknowing racist.
This is not what I want associated with the Bible Belt.
But apparently, according to some, the Bible Belt stands for exactly that.
I fear for our country. I fear that the polarization has become so extreme that there is no way to bridge it.
Are these words words that we want associated with the Bible Belt?
Think about it.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Expectations
Last year, a page I follow posted a link to this article about chronic illnesses, commenting: "the expectations of modern society are so extreme, no wonder so many people have chronic illnesses."
I follow that particular page because I have interstitial cystitis (just think, chronic bladder pain), along with possible adrenal fatigue, back pain, and sleep apnea; not to mention depression and OCD.
Can I be honest here?
I feel the extreme expectations as a woman from both sides of the aisle, from secular and Christian sides.
On the secular side:
"Gotta have that career. It's all about the career. You can't depend on a man, nor should you. So you gotta have that degree, gotta have that career. But that career can only be a STEM (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) profession, or a glass-ceiling shattering executive or politician. After all, your foremothers sacrificed everything for the rights and opportunities you now take for granted. So how dare you be a traitor to the sisterhood by taking a traditionally feminized job such as teacher, librarian, court reporter, secretary, office assistant, or nurse! And forget about being a waitress or in similar "pink-collar" jobs. It's a slap in the face to the sisterhood who fought so hard for your rights and your opportunities.
"Okay, if you feel like you have to have a man, we'll cut you some slack. But only a little bit. Because you know, it's all about that career and being independent and taking care of yourself. After all, that man might leave you someday. So you have to show that you can stand on your own two feet! In fact, if you absolutely feel like you have to have someone, go find another woman. They'll treat you better than men will!
"You want children? You want to have your own children? Okay, again, maybe we'll cut you some slack there. But remember, it's all about that career! You don't want to be on the 'mommy track', do you? So if you absolutely have to have those kids, all right, have them . . . but remember, it's all about the career. So take your six weeks maternity leave and then get back in the office. Put the kids in day care. Or hire a nanny. Even better, make him stay home with the baby!
"Or, even better, if you absolutely have to have kids, go adopt. There's so many kids who need loving homes.
"While you're working on that career, you gotta stay healthy. Gotta join that gym, take that spin class, do Zumba. Gotta eat healthy. Fresh, whole, unprocessed food -- but make sure it's organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, antibiotic-free, hormone-free, grass-fed, free-range, and fair trade. How dare you contribute to the exploitation of workers all over the world!
"And above all, women must.be.STRONG. Because hey, strength is the new beauty, you know? If you go through a trauma in your life and don't come out STRONG on the other end, something is wrong with you."
Then, on the Christian side:
"Gotta have that family. It's all about the family. Okay, we'll accept that you may have to work when you're single, because you do have to earn a living. But once you get married, it's all about the husband. You know, that wonderful man you should have been praying for since you were a child? The one that God has hand-picked for you?
"Your job is to be a submissive wife and serve him. Okay, maybe in this day and age both of you have to work, but it's really better that you don't, that you devote your time to the care of the home and to your husband.
"And kids? Of course, you're going to have kids. Birth control? Nope, no pill because the pill prevents implantation of a fertilized egg, and that's the same thing as having an abortion. The only acceptable method of contraception is the rhythm method. Your womb is God's, give it to Him. If you're capable of having children and you choose not to, you are flat out selfish and you are denying a potential child the opportunity for salvation. Where are the next generation of Christians going to come from if the Christians do not reproduce?
"Once you have those kids, stop working. You can't successfully juggle a job and kids too. Because remember, it's all about the family. You need to stay home and take care of those kids. What, you say you feel unfulfilled by cooking and changing diapers and wiping noses all day? How selfish! Because remember, it's all about the family. And mothers are on the hook for the first few years of a child's life. Yeah, dads are important, but it's the moms who are on the hook. You have to breast-feed and make your baby food from scratch and use cloth diapers.
"Hope you're planning to homeschool all those kids. Because the public -- excuse me, 'government' -- school system is godless and pushes an agenda. Besides, parents are supposed to be their children's primary teachers. It's their responsibility to train their children in the 'nurture and admonition of the Lord'. So how dare you palm that off of anyone else!
"Okay, if you absolutely have to send your kids to school, it better be Christian or private. But under no circumstances do you send your kids to a godless public school where you can't pray and where God isn't allowed. Can't afford it? God will provide! You just need to make the sacrifices!
"But your number one priority, after God, should be your family. You need to be the first one up in the mornings, and the very first thing you need to do is to have your 'quiet time', and it had better be a good one. It needs to teach you more about God or convict you of your sin. When you say your prayers, it better not be about you and your needs because that's selfish. You need to be saying those prayers for other people because they need it!
"By the time the family comes down for breakfast, it needs to be on the table. Then you need to kiss your husband goodbye and get ready for the day. The house must be kept clean and tidy, and the children must be well-behaved and obedient. If they're not? Discipline them, which means 'spank them'.
"You must keep yourself attractive for your husband. No frumpiness, and no gaining weight. Make sure you have dinner ready when husband comes home. Put on makeup and a nice dress. Greet him with a smile and let him complain because he's had a hard day, harder than yours. He's the king of the castle, and when he comes home, you need to remember that the king is home!
"When he wants sex, you'd better drop everything and do it. 'No' is not an option. Because if you don't give him what he needs, he's going to find someone else who will. You don't want that, do you? Bascially, if you don't keep yourself attractive and give him sex whenever he wants, he'll leave you for another woman.
"And above all, women must.be. quiet, gentle, and submissive, not just to their husbands, but to all men. Because hey, women were created as the 'helpmeet' for men. They are the support people. They stay in the background and make sure men can do what God created them to do!"
Just writing this has made me exhausted. I feel as if I can't be a "real woman" without meeting the expectations I wrote about secular women; but I also feel that I can't be a "real Christian woman" without meeting the expectations I wrote about them.
Is there anyone else who feels the way I do?
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
I follow that particular page because I have interstitial cystitis (just think, chronic bladder pain), along with possible adrenal fatigue, back pain, and sleep apnea; not to mention depression and OCD.
Can I be honest here?
I feel the extreme expectations as a woman from both sides of the aisle, from secular and Christian sides.
On the secular side:
"Gotta have that career. It's all about the career. You can't depend on a man, nor should you. So you gotta have that degree, gotta have that career. But that career can only be a STEM (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) profession, or a glass-ceiling shattering executive or politician. After all, your foremothers sacrificed everything for the rights and opportunities you now take for granted. So how dare you be a traitor to the sisterhood by taking a traditionally feminized job such as teacher, librarian, court reporter, secretary, office assistant, or nurse! And forget about being a waitress or in similar "pink-collar" jobs. It's a slap in the face to the sisterhood who fought so hard for your rights and your opportunities.
"Okay, if you feel like you have to have a man, we'll cut you some slack. But only a little bit. Because you know, it's all about that career and being independent and taking care of yourself. After all, that man might leave you someday. So you have to show that you can stand on your own two feet! In fact, if you absolutely feel like you have to have someone, go find another woman. They'll treat you better than men will!
"You want children? You want to have your own children? Okay, again, maybe we'll cut you some slack there. But remember, it's all about that career! You don't want to be on the 'mommy track', do you? So if you absolutely have to have those kids, all right, have them . . . but remember, it's all about the career. So take your six weeks maternity leave and then get back in the office. Put the kids in day care. Or hire a nanny. Even better, make him stay home with the baby!
"Or, even better, if you absolutely have to have kids, go adopt. There's so many kids who need loving homes.
"While you're working on that career, you gotta stay healthy. Gotta join that gym, take that spin class, do Zumba. Gotta eat healthy. Fresh, whole, unprocessed food -- but make sure it's organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, antibiotic-free, hormone-free, grass-fed, free-range, and fair trade. How dare you contribute to the exploitation of workers all over the world!
"And above all, women must.be.STRONG. Because hey, strength is the new beauty, you know? If you go through a trauma in your life and don't come out STRONG on the other end, something is wrong with you."
Then, on the Christian side:
"Gotta have that family. It's all about the family. Okay, we'll accept that you may have to work when you're single, because you do have to earn a living. But once you get married, it's all about the husband. You know, that wonderful man you should have been praying for since you were a child? The one that God has hand-picked for you?
"Your job is to be a submissive wife and serve him. Okay, maybe in this day and age both of you have to work, but it's really better that you don't, that you devote your time to the care of the home and to your husband.
"And kids? Of course, you're going to have kids. Birth control? Nope, no pill because the pill prevents implantation of a fertilized egg, and that's the same thing as having an abortion. The only acceptable method of contraception is the rhythm method. Your womb is God's, give it to Him. If you're capable of having children and you choose not to, you are flat out selfish and you are denying a potential child the opportunity for salvation. Where are the next generation of Christians going to come from if the Christians do not reproduce?
"Once you have those kids, stop working. You can't successfully juggle a job and kids too. Because remember, it's all about the family. You need to stay home and take care of those kids. What, you say you feel unfulfilled by cooking and changing diapers and wiping noses all day? How selfish! Because remember, it's all about the family. And mothers are on the hook for the first few years of a child's life. Yeah, dads are important, but it's the moms who are on the hook. You have to breast-feed and make your baby food from scratch and use cloth diapers.
"Hope you're planning to homeschool all those kids. Because the public -- excuse me, 'government' -- school system is godless and pushes an agenda. Besides, parents are supposed to be their children's primary teachers. It's their responsibility to train their children in the 'nurture and admonition of the Lord'. So how dare you palm that off of anyone else!
"Okay, if you absolutely have to send your kids to school, it better be Christian or private. But under no circumstances do you send your kids to a godless public school where you can't pray and where God isn't allowed. Can't afford it? God will provide! You just need to make the sacrifices!
"But your number one priority, after God, should be your family. You need to be the first one up in the mornings, and the very first thing you need to do is to have your 'quiet time', and it had better be a good one. It needs to teach you more about God or convict you of your sin. When you say your prayers, it better not be about you and your needs because that's selfish. You need to be saying those prayers for other people because they need it!
"By the time the family comes down for breakfast, it needs to be on the table. Then you need to kiss your husband goodbye and get ready for the day. The house must be kept clean and tidy, and the children must be well-behaved and obedient. If they're not? Discipline them, which means 'spank them'.
"You must keep yourself attractive for your husband. No frumpiness, and no gaining weight. Make sure you have dinner ready when husband comes home. Put on makeup and a nice dress. Greet him with a smile and let him complain because he's had a hard day, harder than yours. He's the king of the castle, and when he comes home, you need to remember that the king is home!
"When he wants sex, you'd better drop everything and do it. 'No' is not an option. Because if you don't give him what he needs, he's going to find someone else who will. You don't want that, do you? Bascially, if you don't keep yourself attractive and give him sex whenever he wants, he'll leave you for another woman.
"And above all, women must.be. quiet, gentle, and submissive, not just to their husbands, but to all men. Because hey, women were created as the 'helpmeet' for men. They are the support people. They stay in the background and make sure men can do what God created them to do!"
Just writing this has made me exhausted. I feel as if I can't be a "real woman" without meeting the expectations I wrote about secular women; but I also feel that I can't be a "real Christian woman" without meeting the expectations I wrote about them.
Is there anyone else who feels the way I do?
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Vince and Patty
I mainly knew Vince Gill as "Amy Grant's second husband" until I watched Ken Burns' Country Music last fall.
Now I know him as a musician and the writer/performer of one of the most heartfelt songs in country music.
When Vince learned of the death of country singer Keith Whitley, he started composing a song as a tribute to him. Vince didn't finish it until the sudden death of his brother Bob in 1993.
"Go Rest High On That Mountain" is now one of the most requested songs to be played at funerals. In it, Vince Gill captures the grief, pain, and hope that we experience at the death of a loved one.
He and country singer Patty Loveless played this song in 2013, at George Jones' funeral. I saw this performance as part of the Country Music series, and I defy anyone to watch this and not come away deeply moved at the very least:
He and country singer Patty Loveless played this song in 2013, at George Jones' funeral. I saw this performance as part of the Country Music series, and I defy anyone to watch this and not come away deeply moved at the very least:
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."
Luke 2:8-14, King James Version:
8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Tuesday, December 24, 2019
"I have no words."
"I have no words."
This has become my go-to phrase when I hear bad or sad news. Because too often, there ARE no words that are going to express or sum up feelings. And there are no words that are going to make things better.
Today, I want to tell you how and why I started using that phrase.
It was today, Christmas Eve, 2012, that a friend of mine posted a letter to Santa that his young daughter had written. He captioned it, "I have no words."
She'd written that she was sad because her friend from her Bible class had died. She described her as being "very energetic."
The little girl she was talking about had been murdered a few days ago. She was nine, around the same age as my friend's daughter.
What do you say? What do you say when a nine-year-old girl has her life stolen from her just days before Christmas? What do you say to a grieving mother? To her family? To the people who knew her and loved her?
There is nothing you can say.
There are no words.
My friend's daughter simply expressed that "she was sad". She asked for nothing from Santa Claus that year (except for him not to eat and drink in the living room.)
So when my friend found his daughter's letter to Santa and posted it, all he could add was that he had no words.
For me, that summed it up perfectly.
He had no words.
And that is why, when people share news of tragedy, I also have no words.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
This has become my go-to phrase when I hear bad or sad news. Because too often, there ARE no words that are going to express or sum up feelings. And there are no words that are going to make things better.
Today, I want to tell you how and why I started using that phrase.
It was today, Christmas Eve, 2012, that a friend of mine posted a letter to Santa that his young daughter had written. He captioned it, "I have no words."
She'd written that she was sad because her friend from her Bible class had died. She described her as being "very energetic."
The little girl she was talking about had been murdered a few days ago. She was nine, around the same age as my friend's daughter.
What do you say? What do you say when a nine-year-old girl has her life stolen from her just days before Christmas? What do you say to a grieving mother? To her family? To the people who knew her and loved her?
There is nothing you can say.
There are no words.
My friend's daughter simply expressed that "she was sad". She asked for nothing from Santa Claus that year (except for him not to eat and drink in the living room.)
So when my friend found his daughter's letter to Santa and posted it, all he could add was that he had no words.
For me, that summed it up perfectly.
He had no words.
And that is why, when people share news of tragedy, I also have no words.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
The process of forgiveness
I have debated whether or not to write anything about the Botham Jean case and its aftermath.
I'm a Southern white woman, and I can't speak to the racism and other things that my brothers and sisters of color have endured over the centuries. I also have never had a family member or close friend murdered.
When Botham Jean was first murdered, I wrote this post in response to it. I did not closely follow the trial of Amber Guyger, although I did know it was going on. I was glad that she was found guilty. I was not glad that she only got ten years.
I was also amazed when Brandt Jean, Botham's brother, told Amber Guyger he forgave her and hugged her in open court.
And I also agree that just because Brandt forgave, that does not negate the need for justice. Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive. One can call for forgiveness, as the Bible does, while working for justice at the same time.
What crossed my mind after I heard of Brandt's gesture was, "I hope people realize that forgiveness is a process."
I grew up believing that if you forgave someone, it was as if the slate had been wiped clean. You were supposed to act like the offense never happened, you were supposed to never talk about it again, and you were not supposed to even think about it. If you did any of those things, it meant you hadn't forgiven. And the Bible says that if you do not forgive men their sins, God will not forgive yours (Matthew 6:15.)
But here's the problem: I couldn't do that.
I still remembered the hurts done to me. They still made me angry. I wanted to forgive, but if I was still thinking about what happened and still angry at what happened, how could I say I forgave?
Over the years, I've realized that forgiveness is a process. It cannot be demanded. It is commanded by God, but we cannot demand that someone forgive and we cannot demand that their forgiveness proceed on our timetable. If the person is a Christian, we can point them to the Bible, but their decision to forgive, and the process of that forgiveness, is up to them.
One of the most freeing things anyone ever said to me was a counselor I saw in my early '30's, not long after I moved to Atlanta. I've been in and out of counseling for a very long time (I am currently seeing one now). The major issue I hit is childhood bullying. I made a list of people who had bullied me at one time or another up to high school, and I got a list of 40 names.
The counselor said to me, "You're not ready to forgive yet. You will, but you're not ready yet."
What a relief to know that I could take my time with forgiving! It was not that I did not want to forgive. It was not that I did not refuse outright to forgive. It was that I was struggling with doing it. Her statement, "you're not ready to forgive," took the pressure off of me to instantly forgive the people who had hurt me. And her saying that I would forgive let me know that she had faith in me, that I would do the right thing.
Brandt Jean forgave. He has chosen the path to release bitterness, to release anger, and to allow God to work. The anger and the pain over Botham's murder, however, is going to return. But just because Brandt Jean will feel the pain and anger and hurt over Botham's murder, and just because he will remember what happened, that does not mean that he hasn't forgiven. It means that the healing power of God will take time to work.
Today is my 56th birthday. A few weeks ago, I'd mentioned to my current counselor that it was 50 years since I was first bullied. She suggested writing a letter (unmailed, of course) to the bullies as a way of letting it go.
What I chose to do was go to a nearby park, a new one, and pray. I did two laps around the pond there, and as I walked, I imagined myself dropping small stones on the path as a way of "letting go".
I've come to the point where I realize that I will be dealing with the consequences of what other people did for the rest of my life. It makes me angry that that is true. It's painful and hurtful to realize that I will probably continually battle feelings of anger and hurt over ways I was sinned against.
What I do not want to do, however, is to carry the burden of things that happened.
So I released those burdens to God, with full knowledge that I will probably have to repeat the process again . . . and again . . . and again. That doesn't mean that I have not forgiven. It means that I have told God, "I desire to forgive and I am turning to you because you can do in me what I cannot do. You can give me the power to forgive and the power to allow you to handle this person's ultimate judgment."
I hope no one ever gives Brandt Jean the idea that because he spoke the words "I forgive you" and hugged his brother's murderer that it's over, that he will never again deal with the pain and hurt and anger over his brother's murder. If Brandt ever expresses that he is angry, that he is struggling with forgiveness, I hope no one ever tells him, "Well, you said you forgave her. Did you really mean it?Have you really forgiven her?"
Preacher and writer Les Ferguson also knows firsthand the struggle of forgiveness. In October 2011, his son was repeatedly raped by a fellow church member. The member was arrested, and while out on bail, he murdered Les' wife and son. The man then drove to his own home and killed himself.
When asked if he had forgiven the man, Les said, "Yes, but I will probably have to do it again next week."
I will probably have to forgive the bullies again next week.
Brandt Jean will probably have to forgive Amber Guyger next week.
But I believe as long as the attitude of our hearts is, "God, you command forgiveness and I want to forgive. Please do in me what I cannot do," God does understand and he will give us the power to do what we cannot do without him.
Maybe Brandt Jean will be 56, walking around a pond in a park, and "dropping stones" on a path, praying to God to take the burdens from him. If he is, I believe God will do it.
In the meantime, remember that for him, as it is for all of us, forgiving is a process.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
I'm a Southern white woman, and I can't speak to the racism and other things that my brothers and sisters of color have endured over the centuries. I also have never had a family member or close friend murdered.
When Botham Jean was first murdered, I wrote this post in response to it. I did not closely follow the trial of Amber Guyger, although I did know it was going on. I was glad that she was found guilty. I was not glad that she only got ten years.
I was also amazed when Brandt Jean, Botham's brother, told Amber Guyger he forgave her and hugged her in open court.
And I also agree that just because Brandt forgave, that does not negate the need for justice. Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive. One can call for forgiveness, as the Bible does, while working for justice at the same time.
What crossed my mind after I heard of Brandt's gesture was, "I hope people realize that forgiveness is a process."
I grew up believing that if you forgave someone, it was as if the slate had been wiped clean. You were supposed to act like the offense never happened, you were supposed to never talk about it again, and you were not supposed to even think about it. If you did any of those things, it meant you hadn't forgiven. And the Bible says that if you do not forgive men their sins, God will not forgive yours (Matthew 6:15.)
But here's the problem: I couldn't do that.
I still remembered the hurts done to me. They still made me angry. I wanted to forgive, but if I was still thinking about what happened and still angry at what happened, how could I say I forgave?
Over the years, I've realized that forgiveness is a process. It cannot be demanded. It is commanded by God, but we cannot demand that someone forgive and we cannot demand that their forgiveness proceed on our timetable. If the person is a Christian, we can point them to the Bible, but their decision to forgive, and the process of that forgiveness, is up to them.
One of the most freeing things anyone ever said to me was a counselor I saw in my early '30's, not long after I moved to Atlanta. I've been in and out of counseling for a very long time (I am currently seeing one now). The major issue I hit is childhood bullying. I made a list of people who had bullied me at one time or another up to high school, and I got a list of 40 names.
The counselor said to me, "You're not ready to forgive yet. You will, but you're not ready yet."
What a relief to know that I could take my time with forgiving! It was not that I did not want to forgive. It was not that I did not refuse outright to forgive. It was that I was struggling with doing it. Her statement, "you're not ready to forgive," took the pressure off of me to instantly forgive the people who had hurt me. And her saying that I would forgive let me know that she had faith in me, that I would do the right thing.
Brandt Jean forgave. He has chosen the path to release bitterness, to release anger, and to allow God to work. The anger and the pain over Botham's murder, however, is going to return. But just because Brandt Jean will feel the pain and anger and hurt over Botham's murder, and just because he will remember what happened, that does not mean that he hasn't forgiven. It means that the healing power of God will take time to work.
Today is my 56th birthday. A few weeks ago, I'd mentioned to my current counselor that it was 50 years since I was first bullied. She suggested writing a letter (unmailed, of course) to the bullies as a way of letting it go.
What I chose to do was go to a nearby park, a new one, and pray. I did two laps around the pond there, and as I walked, I imagined myself dropping small stones on the path as a way of "letting go".
I've come to the point where I realize that I will be dealing with the consequences of what other people did for the rest of my life. It makes me angry that that is true. It's painful and hurtful to realize that I will probably continually battle feelings of anger and hurt over ways I was sinned against.
What I do not want to do, however, is to carry the burden of things that happened.
So I released those burdens to God, with full knowledge that I will probably have to repeat the process again . . . and again . . . and again. That doesn't mean that I have not forgiven. It means that I have told God, "I desire to forgive and I am turning to you because you can do in me what I cannot do. You can give me the power to forgive and the power to allow you to handle this person's ultimate judgment."
I hope no one ever gives Brandt Jean the idea that because he spoke the words "I forgive you" and hugged his brother's murderer that it's over, that he will never again deal with the pain and hurt and anger over his brother's murder. If Brandt ever expresses that he is angry, that he is struggling with forgiveness, I hope no one ever tells him, "Well, you said you forgave her. Did you really mean it?Have you really forgiven her?"
Preacher and writer Les Ferguson also knows firsthand the struggle of forgiveness. In October 2011, his son was repeatedly raped by a fellow church member. The member was arrested, and while out on bail, he murdered Les' wife and son. The man then drove to his own home and killed himself.
When asked if he had forgiven the man, Les said, "Yes, but I will probably have to do it again next week."
I will probably have to forgive the bullies again next week.
Brandt Jean will probably have to forgive Amber Guyger next week.
But I believe as long as the attitude of our hearts is, "God, you command forgiveness and I want to forgive. Please do in me what I cannot do," God does understand and he will give us the power to do what we cannot do without him.
Maybe Brandt Jean will be 56, walking around a pond in a park, and "dropping stones" on a path, praying to God to take the burdens from him. If he is, I believe God will do it.
In the meantime, remember that for him, as it is for all of us, forgiving is a process.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)