Is this what forgiveness means?

"Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." Or, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."

No matter which way you translate it in the Lord's Prayer, forgiveness is a core doctrine of Christianity.

We're told to "forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13), and even Jesus himself, on the cross, prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

When the Apostle Peter asked, "How many times should I forgive my brother? Up to seven times?" Jesus' answer -- depending on your translation -- was either "seventy-seven times" or "seventy times seven." 

In other words, if I am to call myself a follower of Christ, I cannot withhold forgiveness.  I cannot refuse to forgive someone who has hurt me or harmed me.  I admit, I often ask God, "Do I have to?" (like a six-year-old would sound) and the answer is always, "Yes." 

"Forgive," and "Do not worry," are the two commands I probably struggle with the most as a Christian. I have dealt with my share of wrongdoing, and while I do believe there are people I have forgiven, I'm not sure if the forgiveness process is complete in other areas. I don't think I have yet forgiven everyone who bullied me in school or the leaders who were spiritually abusive in college. And I'm not sure if I've forgiven mistakes my parents have made in raising me. Although now that I have a child, I find myself remembering a quote from Ray Romano: "The older I get, the more I feel the need to apologize to my mother."  My parents were human, as I am, and I believe they tried their best. There were areas I did not make that easy for them.

Here's what bugs me about the subject of forgiveness, though; or rather, the way some teachers of the Bible handle it. 

This is a version of a Facebook comment I made today. It is snarky, sarcastic, and somewhat facetious, and I admit it is extreme. I made it in response to this link to an article by preacher and abuse advocate Jimmy Hinton. His father, a Church of Christ preacher, is currently serving a lifetime prison sentence for the sexual abuse of children.  

When we Christians talk about "forgiveness", I sometimes think that what we mean is that we want the offended party to instantly forgive. Instant forgiveness means that if they say they're sorry, you say, "I've already forgiven you," and you go on as if nothing happened. That's what Jesus did with our sins, didn't He? He forgave us and he's forgotten our sins. Shouldn't we do the same?

If it's a crime against a victim who happens to be a Christian, again, I think what certain Christians want is for the victim to, again, instantly forgive the offender, stand up for them in court and support them, offer to serve the offender's sentence in his place, "because Jesus did that for me when He died on the cross.  He took my punishment so I wouldn't have to serve it." The victim should write to the offender regularly, telling them about how much God loves them. Perhaps the victim should even visit the offender regularly in prison, to show how much they have forgiven and to show how much God loves them. "If God can give me forgiveness for you, just think how much He loves you and wants to forgive you!"

When the offender gets out of prison, the victim should offer to let them live in their own home; because aren't we supposed to go the extra mile? Aren't we supposed to offer hospitality? 

If the offender is not a Christian, the victim will be the one to convert them.

If the offender is a Christian, the victim will be the one to bring the lost sheep home. 

Then they will both go before the church with the wonderful testimony about how God worked through all of that to enable the two of them to become best friends, and the victim will say, "If I had the choice, I'd go through it all again, because look at what God brought out of it!  Isn't God good?" 

Who knows? They might even team up with a famous author, get their story written and made into a Christian movie!

Okay, my snarkiness is over. 

There are cases where a Christian is sinned against, grieviously, and God has given them the strength to forgive the person who hurt them. I have heard of at least one case where -- if I remember the details correctly -- a drunk driver killed a Christian's child. That Christian was eventually able to forgive the driver and develop a relationship with them. 

Like I said before, if I am going to be a follower of Christ, forgiveness is mandatory. I cannot claim to follow Christ and hold grudges or animosity towards people who have hurt me. 

But letting go of those grudges, or the pain of a wrongdoing done against them, is not immediate. It can take years, sometimes decades. It took me two decades to forgive someone from high school who hurt me. No, it should not have taken that long, but it did. And there are hurts and grudges from childhood that yes, I admit, I still struggle to turn over to God and to let His justice work.

And in some cases of abuse, such as what Jimmy Hinton describes, it is absolutely not healthy for the victim to be around the offender. In cases of sexual abuse, it takes years of therapy with a competent therapist to get past the hurt and the damage that was done. 

It seems that in cases of abuse, nearly all of the expectation is placed on the victim to forgive. Sometimes the victim is even asked, how did you contribute to the situation? The victim is expected to quickly forgive because Jesus quickly forgave. There's one difference, though:  Jesus is the Son of God, He is perfect, and He had that ability to quickly forgive. Victims are not the Son of God. Yes, I believe in forgiveness; I believe people who have been wronged need to forgive . . . but true forgiveness has to be on the victim's timetable and not on the timetable we think it ought to be.

And where is the equal expectation for the offender to repent? Where is the equal expectation for the offender to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you," name the specific ways in which he/she harmed the victim, make restitution if possible, and show the fruits of true repentance?  Maybe one of those fruits is to honor the victim's wish to have no contact with them. 

I write this as an imperfect Christian who struggles to forgive and who prays often, "God, help me forgive.  Sometimes I don't want to but I know You command it of me. Help me." 

But does forgiveness mean that you immediately say "I forgive you," that you never, ever think about it again, and that you treat the offender as if the offense never happened? 

Maybe, in some cases, that above statement is exactly what you should do.

Maybe, in some cases, that above statement is exactly what you should not do.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

The process of forgiveness

I have debated whether or not to write anything about the Botham Jean case and its aftermath. 

I'm a Southern white woman, and I can't speak to the racism and other things that my brothers and sisters of color have endured over the centuries. I also have never had a family member or close friend murdered.

When Botham Jean was first murdered, I wrote this post in response to it.  I did not closely follow the trial of Amber Guyger, although I did know it was going on.  I was glad that she was found guilty.  I was not glad that she only got ten years. 

I was also amazed when Brandt Jean, Botham's brother, told Amber Guyger he forgave her and hugged her in open court. 

And I also agree that just because Brandt forgave, that does not negate the need for justice.  Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive. One can call for forgiveness, as the Bible does, while working for justice at the same time. 

What crossed my mind after I heard of Brandt's gesture was, "I hope people realize that forgiveness is a process."

I grew up believing that if you forgave someone, it was as if the slate had been wiped clean.  You were supposed to act like the offense never happened, you were supposed to never talk about it again, and you were not supposed to even think about it.  If you did any of those things, it meant you hadn't forgiven.  And the Bible says that if you do not forgive men their sins, God will not forgive yours (Matthew 6:15.) 

But here's the problem:  I couldn't do that. 

I still remembered the hurts done to me.  They still made me angry.  I wanted to forgive, but if I was still thinking about what happened and still angry at what happened, how could I say I forgave? 

Over the years, I've realized that forgiveness is a process.  It cannot be demanded.  It is commanded by God, but we cannot demand that someone forgive and we cannot demand that their forgiveness proceed on our timetable.  If the person is a Christian, we can point them to the Bible, but their decision to forgive, and the process of that forgiveness, is up to them.

One of the most freeing things anyone ever said to me was a counselor I saw in my early '30's, not long after I moved to Atlanta.  I've been in and out of counseling for a very long time (I am currently seeing one now).  The major issue I hit is childhood bullying.  I made a list of people who had bullied me at one time or another up to high school, and I got a list of 40 names. 

The counselor said to me, "You're not ready to forgive yet.  You will, but you're not ready yet."

What a relief to know that I could take my time with forgiving!  It was not that I did not want to forgive.  It was not that I did not refuse outright to forgive.  It was that I was struggling with doing it.  Her statement, "you're not ready to forgive," took the pressure off of me to instantly forgive the people who had hurt me.  And her saying that I would forgive let me know that she had faith in me, that I would do the right thing.

Brandt Jean forgave.  He has chosen the path to release bitterness, to release anger, and to allow God to work.  The anger and the pain over Botham's murder, however, is going to return.  But just because Brandt Jean will feel the pain and anger and hurt over Botham's murder, and just because he will remember what happened, that does not mean that he hasn't forgiven.  It means that the healing power of God will take time to work. 

Today is my 56th birthday.  A few weeks ago, I'd mentioned to my current counselor that it was 50 years since I was first bullied.  She suggested writing a letter (unmailed, of course) to the bullies as a way of letting it go. 

What I chose to do was go to a nearby park, a new one, and pray.  I did two laps around the pond there, and as I walked, I imagined myself dropping small stones on the path as a way of "letting go". 

I've come to the point where I realize that I will be dealing with the consequences of what other people did for the rest of my life.  It makes me angry that that is true.  It's painful and hurtful to realize that I will probably continually battle feelings of anger and hurt over ways I was sinned against.   

What I do not want to do, however, is to carry the burden of things that happened. 

So I released those burdens to God, with full knowledge that I will probably have to repeat the process again . . . and again . . . and again.  That doesn't mean that I have not forgiven.  It means that I have told God, "I desire to forgive and I am turning to you because you can do in me what I cannot do.  You can give me the power to forgive and the power to allow you to handle this person's ultimate judgment."

I hope no one ever gives Brandt Jean the idea that because he spoke the words "I forgive you" and hugged his brother's murderer that it's over, that he will never again deal with the pain and hurt and anger over his brother's murder.  If Brandt ever expresses that he is angry, that he is struggling with forgiveness, I hope no one ever tells him, "Well, you said you forgave her.  Did you really mean it?Have you really forgiven her?"

Preacher and writer Les Ferguson also knows firsthand the struggle of forgiveness.  In October 2011, his son was repeatedly raped by a fellow church member.  The member was arrested, and while out on bail, he murdered Les' wife and son.  The man then drove to his own home and killed himself.

When asked if he had forgiven the man, Les said, "Yes, but I will probably have to do it again next week." 

I will probably have to forgive the bullies again next week. 

Brandt Jean will probably have to forgive Amber Guyger next week. 

But I believe as long as the attitude of our hearts is, "God, you command forgiveness and I want to forgive.  Please do in me what I cannot do," God does understand and he will give us the power to do what we cannot do without him. 

Maybe Brandt Jean will be 56, walking around a pond in a park, and "dropping stones" on a path, praying to God to take the burdens from him.  If he is, I believe God will do it. 

In the meantime, remember that for him, as it is for all of us, forgiving is a process.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.