Losing hope

This is a depressing post, and for that I'm sorry.

To begin with, my mother has been in and out of the hospital for the last week and a half.  She had a blood clot in the same leg where she's had problems before.  The whole situation has been very stressful on all the people involved.

I've been concerned about North Korea.  But I also think that the little dictator there has a serious case of short-man complex that he compensates for by saber-rattling.

And then came Charlottesville.

I have not been sitting in front of the TV camped out with either CNN or Fox.  But it's impossible to avoid the news of the last few days.

I am fed up, and I have lost hope for this country.

We are so angry.  We are so much at each others' throats.  We've lost common ground.  I'm just waiting for someone to throw the Molotov cocktail that will launch us into World War III.

And at the risk of making people even angrier, I do agree with our President to an extent:  there is hatred on both sides.  I wish he had called out the Nazis and the alt-right immediately.  When you walk around wearing white hoods and carrying a swastika flag, what in the world do you expect is going to happen??  When you identify with the people who perpetrated one of the greatest crimes against humanity in history, you DESERVE to be called out and condemned, pronto!

On the other hand, it seems that the sins of the right are always magnified, while the sins of the left are ignored or minimized.

I truly feel like throwing up my hands and screaming, "Forget it!" along with a lot of other nasty words.  Because it seems like nothing I can do or say is going to do one bit of good.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Am I wrong?

It's probably no secret to the small handful of readers of this blog that I'm dealing with a crisis.

So I'll just make it public:

I'm dealing with a crisis.

I'm not doing too well in this "brave new world" of sexual fluidity, fake news, alternative facts, and other things.  In this blog entry, and in this blog entry, I've shared plenty of my frustrations, especially about religion.

I am just officially stuck.  I think it would be bad enough if I were only dealing with faith issues, or if I were only dealing with current events, or if I were only dealing with past bullying issues, or if I were only dealing with a young adult with autism, or if I were only dealing with my mother's health.  (And she lives in another state, in assisted living, and it's my sister that does the hands-on stuff with her.  I just sit and worry.  My sister has much more on her plate concerning our mother than I do.)

But I am dealing with them all at once.

For the well-meaning people that advise me to "stop listening to the news":  I don't sit in front of the TV and binge out on Fox or CNN or our local news stations.  I DO check headlines, and I DO listen to "three things to know to get your day started" from Kevin & Taylor of 104.7 The Fish.  I DO get news updates from news apps, which consist of two local TV stations, one local radio station, CNN, Associated Press, and BBC.  I read the comics and glance at the headlines from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.  I keep the local news mainly for traffic (and in Atlanta, knowing the traffic at any given moment is an absolute necessity.)  I think it's very naive to totally ignore the news.

The frustration I have is when news is discussed.  I have a filter on Facebook, FB Purity, which filters out certain words I tell it to filter.  And even that doesn't catch everything.

I've just about given up pointing out false or satirical links on Facebook that people think are true, because people usually don't listen.  They WANT their fake news to be true, whether it be Obama being born in Kenya or FEMA building camps to put dissenters into.

As much as I would like to support this current President, I worry that he doesn't know what he's doing.  On the other hand, I also believe there are some in the media that WANT him to fail.  They WANT him to resign.  Then they will want President Pence to resign.  They will not stop until they get the people THEY want in the White House and in Congress, and they do not care if it hurts people.

I'm white.  I'm mostly conservative.  I'm female.  I'm Christian.  I'm straight.  And I feel like a criminal.  No matter what opinions I may hold on a particular subject, if someone disagrees with me, I feel as if I am the one who has to change.  I am the one that has to listen and understand, but I don't often feel as if I get the same courtesy.

With the Bible, it seems that everyone can "prove" through Scripture that they are right.  And when conclusions from the Bible are diametrically opposed to each other, they cannot all be right.

So am I wrong?  Am I wrong about what I believe?

I did believe, as a child, that one could "pray the prayer" and ask Jesus to come into my heart.  I even did that when I was about seven or eight years old.  Then I ran into people who showed me Scripture about the necessity of baptism.  I'd been baptized when I was about eight, but "according to Scripture" I hadn't done it for the right reasons.  So I did it again.

I understand that baptism is by immersion for the forgiveness of sins.

Am I wrong?

I understood the definition of "sexual immorality" as being "you do not have sex with anyone until the minister pronounces you man and wife.  Then, you only have sex with the person you are married to."

Am I wrong?

I understood that having sex with anyone of the same sex is a sin, and that marriage is only between one man and one woman.

Am I wrong?

I'm starting to think that people who believe women can preach may have a valid point.

Am I wrong?

I thought that there was such a thing as the rapture (see the Left Behind series).  Then I learned that that particular doctrine may not necessarily be true, that while there will be a Second Coming and a judgment, the belief of a seven-year tribulation may not be true.  Then, I heard of people who believe, and can "prove" from Scripture, that the Second Coming happened in 70 AD with the destruction of the Jewish temple.

Am I wrong?

I have been told to "forget what the Bible says and just look at the teachings of Jesus."  These days, though, that's often code for "Jesus didn't say anything about homosexuality, so he must be okay with it or at least not really care about it."

Am I wrong?

I was under the impression that the news media was supposed to report the facts and let people make up their own minds about the story they are reporting, and if they are offering their opinion, it was supposed to be clearly labeled "opinion".

Am I wrong?

I truly and honestly do not know what I believe anymore.

Or what I am supposed to believe.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Believe WHAT?

I no longer know who and what I believe anymore.

Everyone lies, and there is no way anymore to figure out what the truth is.

We live in a world of fake news, alternative facts, sexual fluidity, and on and on and on.

I'm a conservative, morally, politically, and fiscally, but conservatives have not had a decent victory since Ronald Reagan.  The liberals control the media and they know how to scream.  They always win.  When they're in power, they win.  When they're not in power, they make conservatives cave. And conservatives are not helping their cause by spreading around the rumors, half-truths, and outright lies of the Alex Joneses and the Breitbarts.

The people who get listened to are the ones who scream the loudest.  If you're pretty, popular, and have media control, you WILL get listened to.  If you dare to challenge the opinion leaders, you are screamed at, mocked, and ridiculed.  If you talk back, they talk louder.  They ALWAYS get in the last word.

I'm a Christian who's supposed to read the Bible to find out what I believe.  But the Bible is too often used as a weapon to club people.  I have to rely on an English translation which may or may not be accurate because I can't read Hebrew, Aramaic or Attic Greek, which are the original Biblical languages.

And if I just sit down and read the Bible?

"Well, you have to consider the context/consider the original language/consider who it was written to/consider the culture."  I'm to the point where the idea of doing such study is more daunting than anything else.

Everyone has a verse.

Everyone believes they are right and can prove it.

And while God does not lie, men can and do use His name to lie.

I've also been told to "ignore what the Bible says and just look at the words of Jesus."  Unfortunately, that's often code for, "Jesus didn't say anything about . . . so he must have been okay with it."  (Jesus never said anything about rape, pedophilia, or incest; was he okay with those behaviors?)

I often feel like the Boy Rangers in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, who were attacked and brutalized when they tried to buck the system that was controlled by a political machine.

Vote?  Why vote?  Nothing changes?

Run away?  There's no place to run to.

Get a Bible study book?  Sounds good, but I often wonder if the Bible teachers out there are really interested in giving you Bible study tools or if they're just trying to guide you towards a predetermined conclusion.  How do I know who does/does not have a hidden agenda?

I spouted off at my poor BFF earlier today.  She's fortunately a very understanding person.

If the current President is impeached and removed from office, there will then be a movement to impeach the next President and remove him from office.

It no longer matters if the candidate is a good candidate.  It's more important that the candidate be a part of a particular ethnic/gender group.

I was told I had to vote for Trump because, the Supreme Court.  I was also told that, "he's a Cyrus/he's an outside/he'll 'Make America Great Again'".  Because people were so terrified of a Clinton presidency, they chose to put the White House in the hands of an incompetent President and his equally incompetent staff.  Not that Hillary would have been much better.  That's why I wrote in Snoopy.  In the past, I would have held my nose and voted for the less evil candidate.  This time, I just couldn't do it.

I'm an active member of a church, I participate in a Bible study, I sing on a praise team, I take my son to activities . . . and here I am, saying that I don't know what I believe.  I've been stuck on the question of "who's right when everyone can 'prove' they are right?" for over two decades, and I still have not figured out the answers.

I'm afraid of getting it wrong and going to hell.  There.  I've said it.  I am afraid of going before God on Judgment Day and only then finding out that I was wrong on some supposedly important "salvation issue", and by then, it'll be too late to do anything about it.

There was a time as a child that I thought I had things right as far as the Bible was concerned.  Then I got involved with a group that said, no, we are the only ones who have the truth.

I ended up leaving that group and getting involved with a group that went to the other extreme--as long as you believe in God and believe in Jesus, it doesn't matter what else you believe.

And while the place I'm at now isn't as extreme as either of the previous places . . . I'm still dealing with the issues that I was left with when I left both groups.

If you're left with the impression that I am angry and frustrated . . . well, you're right.

I'm very angry.

And I'm very frustrated.

And I have no idea what I believe.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Worship Wednesday (one day late): "Righteous anger"

I got very angry on Sunday night and stayed that way for two days.  And I'm still angry, but not with the intensity of those two days.

It began with an email.  I will not share the content of the email, because what is more important to me is my reaction to it.

I got angry.  I confess that it was an out-of-proportion anger.  I didn't yell, scream, rant, or rave, and I didn't send back an angry email to the person (although I did respond to it with a short note.  I didn't address my reaction because it would not have been appropriate to share my out-of-proportion reaction to the sender.)

But I got angry. 

Some of the things I got angry about, I'm sure, were self-pitying and self-righteous.  But one of the things I got angry about was the way I and others have been treated by abusive religion. 

There are people who use the Bible, and use religion, as a method of controlling and abusing people.  They beat people over the head with Scripture and then use "I say/do this because I love you," as a reason/excuse to do so. 

They take Scripture out of context, or twist those Scriptures, and use them as a basis for their "doctrine".  And you know what's scary about that?  They honestly believe that they are telling and teaching the truth!  Hitler honestly and sincerely believed that Aryans were the "master race" and that Jews, Slavs, and others were inferior.  More recently, in the Rwandan genocide, Hutus referred to Tsutis as "cockroaches".  (The movie Hotel Rwanda opens with a radio broadcast referring to "cockroaches".)  In the US, many whites believed that blacks were intellectually and socially inferior to whites.  (Some still do, sadly.) 

I am doing a Bible study with my Tuesday ladies' group.  Yesterday I found myself making notes like, "How do I know the author is telling the truth?"

I've been there.  I've been part of two groups that used Scripture for their own purposes.  I've had the pressure put on me to "invite everything that moves" to church, and the scripture in John 15 used as a  motivation:  "he who remains in me will bear much fruit . . . he cuts off every branch that bears no fruit" (my paraphrase).  "Fruit" is defined as "souls", and here's the reason it's defined as "souls":  because fruit reproduces fruit, and Christians are to reproduce other Christians.  Therefore, if you are not reproducing other Christians, you are not "bearing fruit" and you will be cut off. 

I have also had Hebrews 10:24-25--"let us not give up meeting together" used on me as a reason to be at all church events, including showers and weddings.  No excuse was acceptable.  I understand that being at showers and weddings is a way to encourage the people we are honoring, but I want the final decision to be mine as to whether or not I go, and not be "guilt-tripped" into going.  I also understand that a pattern of not meeting with other Christians isn't a good thing, because you do end up cutting yourself off from much-needed support.  But there is a difference between the gentle encouragement to be with other Christians and the guilt trip that's often been put on people to be there.

Jesus had some very harsh words for people who used religion to burden others.  In Matthew 23:4, he talked about those who tied up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders but weren't willing to lift a finger to help them.  I think there are ways we do that with people today.  We hold out certain examples as the way to live the Christian life, and then we--either blatantly or subtly--criticize or guilt-trip people because they cannot or will not live that way.  We talk about people who are "radical" in their faith, who sold everything they had to live in another country, or to go to someplace outside of their "comfort zone", with the implication that "if you don't do this, you're not a 'radical' Christian.  Jesus was 'radical', so why aren't you?" We're all called to live out our faith, but not everyone can or should sell everything they have and move to a third world country, or even to the inner city. 

And what about the formulas we use?  I sometimes think that there are Christians who believe that you must pray according to a certain "formula" (i.e., you must end every.single.prayer with the words, 'in Jesus' name' or else it is not a valid prayer.)  You must "claim" God's blessings and favors (the "name it and claim it" philosophy).  If your prayer is not answered, obviously it is your fault because you didn't have "enough faith" (whatever "enough faith" is) or because you didn't pray it in the "correct" way.  We do need to have faith when we pray, but I wonder if our faith is in "God will give me what I want" rather than "God will do what is best."  (I am often guilty of praying for my comfort or convenience, rather than for the will of God to be done.)

And God forbid that you vote for a political candidate that isn't a Christian.  I have read posts where the Christianity of those who voted for Barack Obama, or any Democrat, is called into question.  I know Christians who did vote for Obama, and while I may hold differing political views, I can't call into question their love for God.  On the other hand, I have serious problems with certain candidates who call themselves "Christians".  Mike Huckabee comes to mind.  I lost respect for him when he defended Josh Duggar after Duggar's confession that he molested his sisters.

On the subject of forgiveness:  I think we manipulate people into a false forgiveness when we demand that the wronged party "instantly" forgive.  I think "forgiveness" in some cases is defined as "you must say the words, 'I forgive you', and then you never think about it or talk about it, ever again; and you act like it never happened.  If you think about it, if you talk about it, if you don't behave as if it never happened, you have not truly 'forgiven'."  I do think we can make the choice to forgive, but 1) carrying out that choice is a long and sometimes difficult process, and 2) forgiving someone does not mean that the offender shouldn't or won't face the consequences of what they have done.  Sometimes an offender needs to face legal consequences.  Sometimes a person needs to distance themselves from another because the offender's behavior is unhealthy or dangerous.  I don't believe that's "unforgiveness". 

It's possible that I am writing this out of selfish anger and frustration, and that this entry speaks to the condition of my own relationship with God at the moment.  But I do believe that there are times when we are called to righteous anger, and when religion or Christianity is misused in a way to manipulate or abuse, that is a cause to get angry.  I am called to forgive those that hurt me and not hold their sin against them. 

On the other hand, I do think that the fact of abuse in the name of Christianity is a cause for righteous anger.

Jesus got angry about it, too.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.