" . . . and they call it La Brutta Notte."

I work as a legal proofreader. My Facebook friends know that when I proof, I will often put up as my status, "Time to make the donuts!" a reference to an old Dunkin' Donuts commercial where the poor baker is running himself ragged "making the donuts." 

Yesterday, I did not make donuts.

Instead, I made a metaphorical pizza.

Yesterday I spent approximately nine hours (not consecutive, thank God!) working on a transcript that had an English-Italian translator. The deponent spoke Italian so a translator came in to help with the testimony. The recording I listened to was seven hours long. 

I'd already done a spell check and other things I could do without listening to the recording of the deposition, and I'd decided to set aside all of Tuesday to listen to the recording of the transcript and make the necessary changes. The transcript was due today, and despite everything, I got it in.

In Lady and the Tramp, during their famous spaghetti dinner scene, the happy couple is serenaded by someone singing, "they call it La Bella Notte." 

There was nothing "bella" about this transcript. I looked up "bad" in Italian and found the word "brutta," and "brutta" was exactly how it went. (Note:  This is not meant to be a dig at the people I work for. Since it's the legal profession, fast turnaround times are the norm. I've been proofing for about nine years and I'm used to getting stuff due in 24-48 hours. I'm privileged to be able to work from home and have flexible hours. Plus, the money I earn goes toward paying off debt, which I also appreciate.)

To begin with, I spent the first hour trying to get my printer to print. I eventually got most of the problem solved . . . except for, my printer now will not print a PDF file at all. 

When I finally dove into the transcript, it became an example as to why a 15-minute quarter in a football game does not last 15 minutes. I had to stop, make corrections, listen, stop, etc. and the mental effort required to do so took an especial toll on me. 

Adding to the frustration was receiving a letter concerning paperwork I thought I had turned in, but which apparently was not received by the party that needed it. The paperwork is on a PDF file, which, as I mentioned before, I can't print out because the printer has decided not to cooperate.  Me glaring at it and informing it that I have ways of making it work . . . well, is not working. 

There were parentheticals (notations made in the transcript such as (Exhibit 1 Marked For Identification) I needed to take out, and parentheticals I ended up leaving in because I didn't know if I needed to take them out. 

And all the while, the voice of the deponent pounding away at me in Italian and the poor translator trying to give an accurate translation. Fortunately, when a deposition involves two languages, the court reporter/transcriber/proofreader only has to worry about getting down the English. (The last time I proofed a deposition that had two languages, the other language was Urdu, which is a national language of Pakistan. My hat is off to anyone that can read/write/translate English and languages such as Urdu, Farsi, Dari, Vietnamese, etc.)  

I'd been awake since before 5 a.m., and at one point, needed to go lie down for about an hour because I was just plain exhausted. 

I finally finished the "brutta notte" around 10 p.m. or so, told my BFF I was going to bed, and went, fully expecting to have either dreams or nightmares starring Marlon Brando and/or Al Pacino, all set to the theme music of The Godfather. 

Well, neither Brando, Pacino, nor The Godfather soundtrack made it into my dreams, and thankfully, I didn't awaken covered in blood and in bed with the head of a decapitated horse. 

The final exclamation point came this morning, when I went to a doctor's appointment . . . and was told it was next week.

So, not only was it a "brutta notte", the "brutta" bled over into the next day! 

I was able to redeem some of the "brutta" by stopping at Walmart and picking up some needed groceries, and took a nap after lunch.

There are two more transcripts to do before I can relax and enjoy a long weekend. Fortunately, neither of them look like they will have an Italian translator. 

In the meantime, if you hear vague mutterings that resemble Italian from the direction of Atlanta, order me up either some spaghetti and meatballs or a pizza and have it sent to me. I'll eat it while watching The Godfather. 

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Anyone have a hobbit hole for rent?

Okay, guys, I need a hobbit hole. Preferably in New Zealand, although they are back in lockdown after one case of COVID. 

It all started on Tuesday, when I went to a new skin doctor and was told that I needed, among other things, to wear a pair of compression stockings. After hearing that, I feel like I should also be shopping for a walker and/or cane. (The stockings are for a good reason; to improve blood circulation, but I still can’t shake the feeling that these are for people older than I am! I will be 58 in October.) 

Yesterday, I measured my leg to get a proper fit for said stockings. My thigh circumference is bigger than Scarlett O’Hara’s waistline in Gone With the Wind! (No, I will not reveal my thigh measurements.) No wonder Southern women were always getting the vapors and fainting.  They couldn’t breathe! 

Next, I spent thirteen hours over two days proofreading a transcript littered with inaudibles, mistranscriptions, dropped words, dropped portions of sentences, and sentences that were completely dropped from the transcript.  This was not the court reporter’s fault; she was working under difficult circumstances. Nor is it my employer’s fault.  They work to meet deadlines from above.  The person who did the transcription . . . I’ll be charitable and say that they probably need plenty of practice.

Then yesterday, I started seeing reports about a truck parked near the US Capitol which allegedly had explosives.  After January 6th, that would be frightening enough.  

When I heard where the truck was, my eyes nearly popped.  

It would halfway make sense if that truck was parked outside of the Capitol, the White House, the Supreme Court, or even the Jefferson Memorial.

But the place where this nutcase chose to park his truck and air his complaints was . . . The Library of Congress.

I’m a former librarian. What this guy did was not just unlawful and dangerous. It amounts to blasphemy!

I was left shaking my head and thinking, The Library of Congress? Of all places? 

****

My above comments should be read with an appropriate amount of snark. These below comments are meant to be read without snark. 

When the nutcase parked his truck, employees at the Library of Congress and surrounding buildings had to be evacuated. I wonder how many people had flashbacks to January 6th, especially the Capitol Police. When you hear the word “bomb” you have to take it seriously. Especially in this day and age. 

I snark about wearing compression stockings, but they’re for a good health reason. At least I know where I can get them. And I hope it will help my skin problems (I have stasis dermatitis on my left leg.)

My job can be stressful at times, but I’m employed. Many are not. 

I told my husband that my experience proofing that particular transcript was a new definition of hell . . . but Afghani refugees, and Afghanis who can’t get out — especially women and girls — are living their own hell which is much worse than me having to proofread a difficult transcript. 

But yeah, I’d still like to have a hobbit hole to hide out in, if for no other reason than to have an excuse for a second breakfast. 

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Impossible . . .

I have come to the conclusion that it's impossible to figure out anymore who's lying and who's telling the truth. 

President Trump's last comments, about "poophole" countries, just takes the cake.

He denies he said it.

Others say he did.

Others don't remember it.

They can't all be right.

So who is?

And don't get me started on the Bible . . . I can pick it up and do a straight reading, but then you have original Greek, original Aramaic, original Hebrew, cultural context, textual context, possible translator bias . . .

Everyone believes they are right and they "have a verse" to prove it.

There is no such thing as "objective news" anymore.  People take facts, twist them to prove their point, and then present them as truth. 

I wrote in my journal the other day, I don't know what to believe anymore. 

And I don't think it's possible to know, either.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Am I wrong?

It's probably no secret to the small handful of readers of this blog that I'm dealing with a crisis.

So I'll just make it public:

I'm dealing with a crisis.

I'm not doing too well in this "brave new world" of sexual fluidity, fake news, alternative facts, and other things.  In this blog entry, and in this blog entry, I've shared plenty of my frustrations, especially about religion.

I am just officially stuck.  I think it would be bad enough if I were only dealing with faith issues, or if I were only dealing with current events, or if I were only dealing with past bullying issues, or if I were only dealing with a young adult with autism, or if I were only dealing with my mother's health.  (And she lives in another state, in assisted living, and it's my sister that does the hands-on stuff with her.  I just sit and worry.  My sister has much more on her plate concerning our mother than I do.)

But I am dealing with them all at once.

For the well-meaning people that advise me to "stop listening to the news":  I don't sit in front of the TV and binge out on Fox or CNN or our local news stations.  I DO check headlines, and I DO listen to "three things to know to get your day started" from Kevin & Taylor of 104.7 The Fish.  I DO get news updates from news apps, which consist of two local TV stations, one local radio station, CNN, Associated Press, and BBC.  I read the comics and glance at the headlines from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.  I keep the local news mainly for traffic (and in Atlanta, knowing the traffic at any given moment is an absolute necessity.)  I think it's very naive to totally ignore the news.

The frustration I have is when news is discussed.  I have a filter on Facebook, FB Purity, which filters out certain words I tell it to filter.  And even that doesn't catch everything.

I've just about given up pointing out false or satirical links on Facebook that people think are true, because people usually don't listen.  They WANT their fake news to be true, whether it be Obama being born in Kenya or FEMA building camps to put dissenters into.

As much as I would like to support this current President, I worry that he doesn't know what he's doing.  On the other hand, I also believe there are some in the media that WANT him to fail.  They WANT him to resign.  Then they will want President Pence to resign.  They will not stop until they get the people THEY want in the White House and in Congress, and they do not care if it hurts people.

I'm white.  I'm mostly conservative.  I'm female.  I'm Christian.  I'm straight.  And I feel like a criminal.  No matter what opinions I may hold on a particular subject, if someone disagrees with me, I feel as if I am the one who has to change.  I am the one that has to listen and understand, but I don't often feel as if I get the same courtesy.

With the Bible, it seems that everyone can "prove" through Scripture that they are right.  And when conclusions from the Bible are diametrically opposed to each other, they cannot all be right.

So am I wrong?  Am I wrong about what I believe?

I did believe, as a child, that one could "pray the prayer" and ask Jesus to come into my heart.  I even did that when I was about seven or eight years old.  Then I ran into people who showed me Scripture about the necessity of baptism.  I'd been baptized when I was about eight, but "according to Scripture" I hadn't done it for the right reasons.  So I did it again.

I understand that baptism is by immersion for the forgiveness of sins.

Am I wrong?

I understood the definition of "sexual immorality" as being "you do not have sex with anyone until the minister pronounces you man and wife.  Then, you only have sex with the person you are married to."

Am I wrong?

I understood that having sex with anyone of the same sex is a sin, and that marriage is only between one man and one woman.

Am I wrong?

I'm starting to think that people who believe women can preach may have a valid point.

Am I wrong?

I thought that there was such a thing as the rapture (see the Left Behind series).  Then I learned that that particular doctrine may not necessarily be true, that while there will be a Second Coming and a judgment, the belief of a seven-year tribulation may not be true.  Then, I heard of people who believe, and can "prove" from Scripture, that the Second Coming happened in 70 AD with the destruction of the Jewish temple.

Am I wrong?

I have been told to "forget what the Bible says and just look at the teachings of Jesus."  These days, though, that's often code for "Jesus didn't say anything about homosexuality, so he must be okay with it or at least not really care about it."

Am I wrong?

I was under the impression that the news media was supposed to report the facts and let people make up their own minds about the story they are reporting, and if they are offering their opinion, it was supposed to be clearly labeled "opinion".

Am I wrong?

I truly and honestly do not know what I believe anymore.

Or what I am supposed to believe.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Believe WHAT?

I no longer know who and what I believe anymore.

Everyone lies, and there is no way anymore to figure out what the truth is.

We live in a world of fake news, alternative facts, sexual fluidity, and on and on and on.

I'm a conservative, morally, politically, and fiscally, but conservatives have not had a decent victory since Ronald Reagan.  The liberals control the media and they know how to scream.  They always win.  When they're in power, they win.  When they're not in power, they make conservatives cave. And conservatives are not helping their cause by spreading around the rumors, half-truths, and outright lies of the Alex Joneses and the Breitbarts.

The people who get listened to are the ones who scream the loudest.  If you're pretty, popular, and have media control, you WILL get listened to.  If you dare to challenge the opinion leaders, you are screamed at, mocked, and ridiculed.  If you talk back, they talk louder.  They ALWAYS get in the last word.

I'm a Christian who's supposed to read the Bible to find out what I believe.  But the Bible is too often used as a weapon to club people.  I have to rely on an English translation which may or may not be accurate because I can't read Hebrew, Aramaic or Attic Greek, which are the original Biblical languages.

And if I just sit down and read the Bible?

"Well, you have to consider the context/consider the original language/consider who it was written to/consider the culture."  I'm to the point where the idea of doing such study is more daunting than anything else.

Everyone has a verse.

Everyone believes they are right and can prove it.

And while God does not lie, men can and do use His name to lie.

I've also been told to "ignore what the Bible says and just look at the words of Jesus."  Unfortunately, that's often code for, "Jesus didn't say anything about . . . so he must have been okay with it."  (Jesus never said anything about rape, pedophilia, or incest; was he okay with those behaviors?)

I often feel like the Boy Rangers in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, who were attacked and brutalized when they tried to buck the system that was controlled by a political machine.

Vote?  Why vote?  Nothing changes?

Run away?  There's no place to run to.

Get a Bible study book?  Sounds good, but I often wonder if the Bible teachers out there are really interested in giving you Bible study tools or if they're just trying to guide you towards a predetermined conclusion.  How do I know who does/does not have a hidden agenda?

I spouted off at my poor BFF earlier today.  She's fortunately a very understanding person.

If the current President is impeached and removed from office, there will then be a movement to impeach the next President and remove him from office.

It no longer matters if the candidate is a good candidate.  It's more important that the candidate be a part of a particular ethnic/gender group.

I was told I had to vote for Trump because, the Supreme Court.  I was also told that, "he's a Cyrus/he's an outside/he'll 'Make America Great Again'".  Because people were so terrified of a Clinton presidency, they chose to put the White House in the hands of an incompetent President and his equally incompetent staff.  Not that Hillary would have been much better.  That's why I wrote in Snoopy.  In the past, I would have held my nose and voted for the less evil candidate.  This time, I just couldn't do it.

I'm an active member of a church, I participate in a Bible study, I sing on a praise team, I take my son to activities . . . and here I am, saying that I don't know what I believe.  I've been stuck on the question of "who's right when everyone can 'prove' they are right?" for over two decades, and I still have not figured out the answers.

I'm afraid of getting it wrong and going to hell.  There.  I've said it.  I am afraid of going before God on Judgment Day and only then finding out that I was wrong on some supposedly important "salvation issue", and by then, it'll be too late to do anything about it.

There was a time as a child that I thought I had things right as far as the Bible was concerned.  Then I got involved with a group that said, no, we are the only ones who have the truth.

I ended up leaving that group and getting involved with a group that went to the other extreme--as long as you believe in God and believe in Jesus, it doesn't matter what else you believe.

And while the place I'm at now isn't as extreme as either of the previous places . . . I'm still dealing with the issues that I was left with when I left both groups.

If you're left with the impression that I am angry and frustrated . . . well, you're right.

I'm very angry.

And I'm very frustrated.

And I have no idea what I believe.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Snapping

Recently, I snapped.

And I snapped at, of all places, a Christian women's conference.

Recently, my church hosted the "If:Gathering", a Christian women's conference that was livestreamed to hundreds of churches around the world.  It featured speakers such as Jill Briscoe, Jennie Allen, Ann Voskamp, and Lysa TeuKeurst.  About 200 women came to the event at our church, including many that were not members.   (My "snapping" shouldn't be construed as a comment on the conference itself, nor a reflection on the hard work of the women who were involved in putting it on.)

During one of the discussion sessions (where the livestreaming stopped), one of the suggested questions to ask was, what kind of pressures do you feel?

I asked that question to three other women around me.  I said that I felt shamed from both sides of the aisle:  from the belief that I'm somehow a traitor to the sisterhood because I'm not in a high-powered executive position to the belief that I'm not a "real" Christian woman because I don't have a lot of kids, don't homeschool, and work part-time.

I also have a lot of faith issues that I have struggled with over the years.

All of my frustration over faith, Christian womanhood, and other issues spilled out in one sentence:

"I want to be a good Christian but I don't know how!"

The women around me were very reassuring, and one of them reminded me that only God could judge me, not anyone else.

The Monday after the conference, I shared this event with the man that my husband and I go see every month for counseling.  The counselor asked me, what was a good Christian?

I started with, a good Christian woman gets up before the rest of her family and has her quiet time.

Frank objected, telling me that he didn't think the Bible commanded us to get up early in the morning in order to have a "quiet time."

My immediate response was, "Morning by morning I lay my requests before you," which is my paraphrase of a verse from one of the Psalms.  That's a verse that's been used to "prove" that you should get up first thing in the morning and pray.  Also, Jesus did it (Mark chapter 1, he got up early in the morning while it was still dark.)

I went on to describe the rest of my vision of a "good Christian woman" -- she prays for everyone except herself, because that's selfish; makes sure her husband and kids are fed well before going off to work and school; she homeschools because God forbid that you send a child to "godless public schools" unless it's for the specific purpose of being "salt and light".  She prepares herself before her husband comes home, and she'd better look good because if he doesn't have something good to come home to, he'll go looking for it somewhere else and you'll be responsible for driving him into the arms of another woman.  After she puts the kids to bed, she spends time with her husband; and if he wants sex, she'd better give it to him because if she turns him down, he'll go off and have an affair with another woman and it'll be your fault!

Not only that, you need to be at church every.single.time the doors are open, and the only acceptable excuses are illness and childbirth--and those, just barely.

Our counselor said to me that he heard a "plaintive cry" from me.  I added, "And it doesn't help when everyone lies.  The movement I was part of in college lied.  The movement I went to to get away from that lied."  People use the name of Jesus to lie.  (Not everyone who uses the name of Jesus lies, but there are people who do just that.)

So what's the answer?  Read the Bible and pray, right?

Well, first, which Bible?  I can't read Attic Greek, which was the language that the New Testament was written in; nor can I read ancient Hebrew or Aramaic, which is what the Old Testament was written in.  I have to rely on an English translation.  Let's see, there's the NIV, the RSV, the KJV, the NRSV, the ASV, the NASV, the Message, the HCSB . . . and, if you're brave enough, THE KJV 1611 version, which many consider to be THE only true authorized Scripture!

And even then, when I pick up the Bible and read, there's things that are pretty straightforward (like "love one another", "forgive as the Lord forgave you,") but if I pick up the Bible and just do a straight reading, there is nothing there that explains to me the period of time or the cultural context in which it was written.  I have to rely on people who know--or say they know--about Biblical history, Biblical culture, and Biblical languages.

Supposedly, the way you interpret the Bible is, what did it mean to the original audience?  But:  1) how do you determine the original audience, and 2) who decided that that was one of the principles of interpretation?  I have also heard of a so-called "spiritual" interpretation of the Bible, which I have no idea what it means, but it's one way that supposedly "proves" that Jesus came back in 70 AD, when the Jerusalem Temple was destroyed.

If I'm reading an English Bible, I'm dependent upon the work of a translator.  How do I know that the English Bible I'm holding in my hands is translated accurately?  The KJV 1611 was supposedly "translated from the original Greek".  But since then, there have been older manuscripts discovered that will affect translations made before those manuscripts were found.

And HOW do you determine which commands were only for the audience that a particular book of the Bible was written to and which ones are for all Christians, for all time?

My biggest bugaboo is, everyone believes they are right and can "prove" it by Scripture, but too often, the conclusions that people come to are diametrically opposed to each other.  So how do you know who's right?

I have really felt like, lately, that I need a doctorate in theology, plus a minor in Biblical Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic, to know what the Bible "really" says.  I'm reasonably intelligent.  I know how to use different Bible tools such as a interlinear Bible and a dictionary of Biblical words and terms.  I know how to use a concordance.  But putting it all together so that I really understand how God wants me to live and to worship?  And putting it all together so that I can discern true doctrine from false doctrine?  I sometimes think it's impossible.

We argue about everything, and I mean, everything.  My religious tradition, Churches of Christ, argues over instrumental music, whether or not you can have a kitchen in the building, what the role of baptism is, in what order to do worship (communion before or after the sermon?), how communion is passed (are bread and juice passed separately, or is it okay to pass them together?), are we allowed to take communion more than once a week?  Other Christian denominations argue about what "modest dress" is, whether or not women can preach (don't get me started on this one, I don't have the energy to fight), the differences between Calvinism and Arminianism, and on and on and on and on.

I have read my Bible, prayed, looked up Scriptures, attended retreats, conferences, seminars, gatherings, church services, small group meetings, asked questions, gone to counselors, and talked to people until I am practically blue in the face, and I am no nearer to getting my conclusions figured out than I was when I started.  I believe God exists and I believe Jesus is his son, and salvation is only through him.  But anything else?  (I do admit, I'm very good at "yes butting", as in, "Yes, but . . .")

I'm afraid of getting it wrong and going to hell because I got it wrong.  I am afraid of being shamed by other Christians for my conclusions.  I'm afraid of going before Jesus on Judgment Day and then, and only then, discovering that I'm not getting in because I got one little jot or tittle of the New Testament wrong.  "You believed in Jesus, repented of your sins, and were baptized by immersion for the forgiveness of your sins, but you gave your contribution monthly instead of weekly, and you should have figured out that I meant for you to give your contribution weekly because of what Paul wrote the Corinthian church:  you should set aside a sum of money on the first day of the week.  So, sorry, you don't get in."

And when I've seen the question of legalism raised, I've seen the response, "But what about obedience?"  Does obedience equal how well you precisely follow some sort of Biblical pattern?  (I have heard of the concept of "precision obedience", meaning, doing exactly what God says exactly the way he says it.)

And, when someone teaches a lesson, or writes down a Bible study . . . how do I know that there's not some sort of hidden agenda there?  Or whether or not I'm being led to a predetermined conclusion?

Okay, the answer is probably, "You need to make up your own mind," "You need to study it out," "You need to learn to think for yourself and come to your own conclusions."  But I often think that when we say that to people, what we are really saying is, "Study it out and come to your own conclusions . . . as long as I agree with them."

And to be honest, the idea of "studying it out" brings to mind piles of reference books, pages of note-taking, and hours and hours of research that I just do not have the time or the energy for.  So that leaves me even more overwhelmed.

No wonder I'm frustrated.

No wonder I'm tired.

No wonder I'm overwhelmed.

No wonder I snapped.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

"But was it organic ketchup?"

"But was it organic ketchup?"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me as far as diet was concerned.

I'd been visiting an alternative medical clinic, trying to get help for adrenal fatigue.  While I got better for a time, the place ended up loading me up with supplements (I was taking TWENTY-TWO different supplements at one point) and insisting that I eat organic food.  I was told I needed to eat berries for breakfast, and not just any berries--specifically, blueberries and blackberries (strawberries didn't count.)  I needed to eat more protein (not bad advice) and go low-carb--and was also told at one point to go "no-carb", which turned out to be impossible.  The point the doc was trying to make about the organic ketchup was the amount of sugar in the ketchup.

The diet advice was good, as far as it went.  But that was not the first time I'd been told to "go organic".  When I said to the person that I couldn't afford it, I was told, "Well, it's better for you in the long run."  No mention was made of how much it cost.

I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now.  It seems like there is still so much on my plate and I have no idea what I can take off of it:

1. Today I see my TMJ dentist, and I still have a dislocating right jaw.  I can pop it back into place, but it shouldn't be dislocating in the first place.  The appointment will cost $85.  Insurance won't cover it.
2. I am still dealing with the adrenal fatigue, and treatments are expensive and not covered by insurance, for the most part.  Currently, I'm not seeing a doctor for it; I'm trying to rest as much as possible when I get overtired.
3. I use a CPAP for sleep apnea.
4. I am obese.  I need to lose weight.  I've been trying to go swim lately--I had been walking, but it caused pain in my feet.  Swimming is good, but if I push myself too hard, I run the risk of getting overtired, which makes me unable to exercise, which doesn't help my weight . . .
5. My blood sugar does need to be controlled.  See #4.
6. I have back pain.  Friday I go back to the chiropractor--again, which isn't covered by insurance.
7. My mother, who lives in another state, is dealing with her own health issues.
8. I have a child with autism.  We've just filed papers for guardianship.
9. I am dealing with all of my past issues from being part of an unhealthy church.  We also have issues we are dealing with in our present church (not bad issues, just changes we have gone through and other changes that will happen soon, mainly with our small groups.)
10. I also deal with past issues from being bullied.
11. I need to finish my Christmas decorating.  (My husband took stuff UPSTAIRS in order to vacuum the rugs.  Now I have to bring it back DOWNSTAIRS.)
12. I have writing I want to do and it seems like there are so many projects I will never be able to finish:
--Seven books involving four friends and their families
--Four books revolving around the life of a teenage track runner
--Two books loosely based on my dad's life
--One dealing with a teenager in an abusive church
--One dealing with a woman's relationship with her gay neighbors
--One dealing with a possible Muslim takeover of the US.
--One dealing with a French girl who loses family in WWII, moves to Atlanta and gets involved in the civil rights movement.
--A collection of essays about people we don't normally think about when we think of Black History Month.
--A study on I Corinthians 13:4-8 and I John 4:18.
--A collection of blog entries.  I just need to format them and put a cover on them . . . and I am having a horrible time designing a cover!!!
13. I HAVE to earn money to pay back some serious debt we owe from court reporting school, and we also owe credit card debt.  My husband is working as much overtime as he can as well.
14. There are current events that are going to affect us, whether I pay attention to them or not.

This morning I feel tense, pressured, and stressed.  Organic ketchup is the last thing I need to be concerned about!

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Flipping the "off" switch . . .

Last week I posted a frustrated vent on my Facebook wall.  I think the final trigger was when my right jaw joint started to dislocate, again.  I am back to wearing the mouth guard I paid uber, uber bucks for (and am still paying off the credit card for.)

I'm fed up with everything.  There's a switch in my brain that has flipped and it just says, "no more."  I can turn off news (like a relative of mine has been telling me to do for years), turn off social media, and there's stuff I *still* have to deal within society. 

I'm afraid to post certain things on social media, or on my blogg, because I am afraid of being ganged up on and bashed.  The bashers and the gangsters have all the power and the resources, and I have none.  If I get sued because of something I do or say, I will be bankrupted if I choose to fight.

I can't filter stuff off my Facebook anymore because the filter I was using contained a Trojan, so I had to delete it. SocialFixer, another Facebook filter I was using, doesn't work anymore either.

I feel as if I have to have an instant answer for everything. I have to instantly defend my beliefs. And debate isn't my gift. So I wind up putting myself in a Christian bubble . . . and then I feel guilty about that, too.

And if I don't contribute the five dollars, or the 30 minutes, or the one phone call, towards the people or causes I believe in, I will be responsible for their failure, because if I don't do it, who will? (My point being, it's just the little bit that might make the difference.)

And if I don't support the causes of others (especially when it comes to autism), how can I expect anyone to support mine? I can't just demand and not give anything back. (Right now I'm doing my version of asking for help with this post; I honestly feel like I take more than I give on Facebook or social media.)

I feel outnumbered and powerless, like nothing I can do will make any sort of difference.

There's a verse in Proverbs that says that if you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength. Well, this is a time of trouble, and I'm faltering, so my strength must be very small.  

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Ranting . . . and the way out

At the moment, I feel rather frustrated.

 My house is a mess, I'm not getting enough sleep, we are dealing with debt, and I'm way overweight and not getting exercise.

And I just had to reset my password in order to get into my account.  The following Facebook meme is rather appropriate:  "Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyphic, and the blood of a virgin."  (I am waiting to hear that my firstborn son is also a requirement.)

My solution?

For the moment, I have on Spotify and I am playing praise music by John Tesh.

Yeah, I know, I think he has the same reputation as Kenny G . . . but you have to have talent and discipline to make about any kind of music.

Although it won't clean up my house, perhaps this will at least put me in a better frame of mind!

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.