"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."
I read that statement two nights ago while scrolling through Twitter and was astonished at my absolute visceral reaction of rage to it.
That sentence comes from a new forward to Joan Ryan's book Little Girls In Pretty Boxes, which details the toxic environment that gymnasts and figure skaters are too often subjected to. American gymnast Jamie Dantzscher, who wrote the new forward, describes the verbal and emotional abuse she endured while training for the Olympic Games. She made the women's gymnastics team for the 2000 Olympic Games, they placed fourth overall . . . and were made to feel like complete failures. She trained with numerous injuries and when she told her coaches that she was hurt, they didn't believe her.
She was also one of the over 200 women abused by Dr. Larry Nassar, and one of the first to file a civil lawsuit against him.
"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."
I've never been sexually abused. But I know where my visceral reaction of rage came from.
It came from the fact that the abuse I suffered--the abuse from being bullied and from being spiritually abused--was absolutely normalized.
The bullied are told, like I was, that they should just "ignore it" or "tell an adult" or "stand up to them" or "it's just part of life, suck it up and get over it" or "they do it because they're jealous of you" or "they just have low self-esteem and this is the way they build themselves up" and, if the victims are Christians, they are told, "forgive them and turn the other cheek". They are also told that "no one likes a tattletale or a snitch" and "if you fight back, you will be the one punished and the bullies will not be".
In the meantime, the pushes and shoves, the gossip and the embarrassing questions, the blocking in the hallway and the torment in gym class go on and on.
"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."
The spiritually abused are told, "we are the only ones with the truth" or "if you leave us, you leave God" or "The Bible says to rebuke others when they sin" or "You need to be held accountable" or "The Bible says you need to be bold in sharing your faith" or "They're your leaders and you must submit to them, even if they are ungodly" or "When you get married, you can't leave your husband even if he beats you" or "If you don't show up to every single meeting of 'the body' you are uncommitted and in danger of falling away".
The spiritually abused are expected to put up with harsh sermons, blasting, yelling, orders to "push through" exhaustion and illness, and questioned as to why they didn't get up early in the morning to have a 'quiet time', why they didn't invite anyone to church that day, why they struggle so much with depression, why can't you just repent of your sin and move on?
Yesterday I asked myself the question, what is normal faith?
I understand that Christianity is counter-culture by its very nature. I follow a man who claimed to be God and whose followers claim that he died and he was raised from the dead. His followers taught that we needed to love one another and not repay evil for evil. In an environment where the emperor was worshiped as God, they were taught to honor the emperor but confess Jesus as Lord and worship him only. In today's culture of "tolerance" and "there are many ways to get to God", Jesus says that no one comes to the Father except through him. If you want to be popular with the "in crowd", Christianity is not the way to go.
But is normal faith being told that you have to walk up to strangers on the street, or go up to every cashier you meet, and invite them to church, otherwise, you are disobeying God's command to be bold?
Does normal faith involve putting up with the advances of a leader because "he's your leader and you have to submit"?
Is normal faith attending every single gathering of a body of believers even when you are exhausted down to the bone marrow and can barely put one foot in front of the other?
In normal faith, is "forgiveness" defined as, "I say I'm sorry, you say I forgive you, and we both pretend it never happened?" in cases of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse?
What is normal faith? There are times I just don't know.
When abuse of all kinds is normalized, not just sexual abuse on a grand scale can happen, but any kind of abuse: bullying, spiritual abuse, emotional/verbal abuse between spouses or between boss/employee or any kind of leader/follower.
It is time for us to stop normalizing abuse. Bullying is not to be normalized. Neither is sexual abuse. Neither is spiritual abuse.
It should never be normal for someone to go to school and be afraid that their lunch will be stolen, that they will be gossiped about, that they will be pushed and shoved in the hallways . . . and it should never be normal that when they tell an adult, the adult won't believe them.
It should never be normal for someone to be tense around other Christians because they're afraid of being rebuked for not inviting a large number of people to church or Bible study. Or, for not living up to the standard that the leader has set.
Abuse is not normal. And it never should be.
Not in any environment.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
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Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
Why did it take so long?
It took 158 women and 20 years to stop Larry Nassar.
Why did it take so long?
Why were the complaints and concerns of so many girls turned aside?
Why were they not listened to?
Why were they not taken seriously?
Why, in gymnastics especially, is there such a culture of silence around abuse?
Why is verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse tolerated in our locker rooms, in our churches, and in our schools?
Why are victims blamed when they speak up?
Why are victims told that "you need to ignore it" or "you need to stand up for yourself" or asked "why did you let them treat you that way"?
Why are victims told that "you need to forgive and let go of your anger" when a perp says, "I'm sorry," with no sign of repentance?
Why is the burden always placed on the victim?
Why are the perps never asked, "Why did you do this in the first place?
Maybe the answers to those questions are exactly why it took 158 women and 20 years to bring down just one abuser.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Why did it take so long?
Why were the complaints and concerns of so many girls turned aside?
Why were they not listened to?
Why were they not taken seriously?
Why, in gymnastics especially, is there such a culture of silence around abuse?
Why is verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse tolerated in our locker rooms, in our churches, and in our schools?
Why are victims blamed when they speak up?
Why are victims told that "you need to ignore it" or "you need to stand up for yourself" or asked "why did you let them treat you that way"?
Why are victims told that "you need to forgive and let go of your anger" when a perp says, "I'm sorry," with no sign of repentance?
Why is the burden always placed on the victim?
Why are the perps never asked, "Why did you do this in the first place?
Maybe the answers to those questions are exactly why it took 158 women and 20 years to bring down just one abuser.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Too high a price
Nearly 150 women have asked to speak at the sentencing hearing of Dr. Larry Nassar, a former Olympic team doctor who pled guilty to a number of counts of sexual assault.
Over 20 years as a team doctor at Michigan State University and also as a doctor to the United States women's gymnastics team, he sexually assaulted women under the guise of medical treatment.
(Warning: The following sentences contain descriptions of sexual assault.)
When female athletes would visit Larry Nassar for treatment, he would often digitally penetrate them with ungloved fingers.
Translation: He stuck his ungloved fingers into a girl's vagina for the sole purpose of his own sexual gratification, and he did it while explaining that it was a type of medical procedure.
He did it when he was alone with them in his office. He did it even when others were present. He even did it in the presence of SOME PARENTS.
(End of description)
(This particular procedure is sometimes used with women experiencing pelvic pain. I've had it done. However, the person doing it was a woman, she used gloves, and explained what it was she was doing while she was doing it.)
When the girls complained, they were either told to be quiet, or they weren't taken seriously. One victim, Kyle Stephens, even shared how, when she told her parents, they didn't believe her, and even took her back to Nassar to make her apologize to him. It took years before her parents finally believed her.
The message they got was very clear: Larry Nassar's reputation was more important than their well-being.
This week, Larry Nassar's victims are finally getting a sliver of justice.
They are coming forward, one by one, and they are detailing exactly what happened to them.
When Larry Nassar complained that listening to his victims was a form of mental cruelty, the judge listened, and then responded that he might find it harsh, but nothing was as harsh as what his victims had endured at his hands.
Not only has Kyle Stephens spoken, so has Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. She gave a scathing rebuke to Nassar which was reprinted the next day in the New York Times.
Raisman is not the only Olympic gymnast stating she was abused by Nassar. Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas, Jordyn Wieber, McKayla Maroney, and others have all stated they were abused. And serious questions about the role of the United States Olympic Committee and USA Gymnastics have arisen. Apparently, carting home Olympic gold was more important to both organizations than the sexual abuse of their athletes.
I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing the same song, first, second, third, fourth, and fifth verses: Men using their power to sexually abuse women, and people stand around and do nothing. Women aren't believed, they're told to shut up, and the culture around them stacks the deck against them.
The United States Olympic Committee should refuse to field an Olympic women's gymnastics team until and unless USA Gymnastics cleans house, now, and puts policies in place where the number one priority is protection of the athlete. If it means that there will be no women's gymnastics team at the next Olympics, well . . . so be it.
When you are an athlete who has been abused, and the message given you is that you have to put up with it in the name of trophies, ribbons, and Olympic gold medals . . . that is too high a price to pay.
Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas, Aly Raisman, McKayla Maroney, Jordyn Wieber paid too high a price for Olympic glory. The gold medals that hung around their necks are not worth the physical and emotional suffering that they have had to endure.
The other 100+ women who have spoken against Nassar have also paid too high a price for any athletic accomplishment that they may have achieved.
It needs to stop.
I don't know how, but this abuse needs to stop.
The price is just too high.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Over 20 years as a team doctor at Michigan State University and also as a doctor to the United States women's gymnastics team, he sexually assaulted women under the guise of medical treatment.
(Warning: The following sentences contain descriptions of sexual assault.)
When female athletes would visit Larry Nassar for treatment, he would often digitally penetrate them with ungloved fingers.
Translation: He stuck his ungloved fingers into a girl's vagina for the sole purpose of his own sexual gratification, and he did it while explaining that it was a type of medical procedure.
He did it when he was alone with them in his office. He did it even when others were present. He even did it in the presence of SOME PARENTS.
(End of description)
(This particular procedure is sometimes used with women experiencing pelvic pain. I've had it done. However, the person doing it was a woman, she used gloves, and explained what it was she was doing while she was doing it.)
When the girls complained, they were either told to be quiet, or they weren't taken seriously. One victim, Kyle Stephens, even shared how, when she told her parents, they didn't believe her, and even took her back to Nassar to make her apologize to him. It took years before her parents finally believed her.
The message they got was very clear: Larry Nassar's reputation was more important than their well-being.
This week, Larry Nassar's victims are finally getting a sliver of justice.
They are coming forward, one by one, and they are detailing exactly what happened to them.
When Larry Nassar complained that listening to his victims was a form of mental cruelty, the judge listened, and then responded that he might find it harsh, but nothing was as harsh as what his victims had endured at his hands.
Not only has Kyle Stephens spoken, so has Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. She gave a scathing rebuke to Nassar which was reprinted the next day in the New York Times.
Raisman is not the only Olympic gymnast stating she was abused by Nassar. Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas, Jordyn Wieber, McKayla Maroney, and others have all stated they were abused. And serious questions about the role of the United States Olympic Committee and USA Gymnastics have arisen. Apparently, carting home Olympic gold was more important to both organizations than the sexual abuse of their athletes.
I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing the same song, first, second, third, fourth, and fifth verses: Men using their power to sexually abuse women, and people stand around and do nothing. Women aren't believed, they're told to shut up, and the culture around them stacks the deck against them.
The United States Olympic Committee should refuse to field an Olympic women's gymnastics team until and unless USA Gymnastics cleans house, now, and puts policies in place where the number one priority is protection of the athlete. If it means that there will be no women's gymnastics team at the next Olympics, well . . . so be it.
When you are an athlete who has been abused, and the message given you is that you have to put up with it in the name of trophies, ribbons, and Olympic gold medals . . . that is too high a price to pay.
Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas, Aly Raisman, McKayla Maroney, Jordyn Wieber paid too high a price for Olympic glory. The gold medals that hung around their necks are not worth the physical and emotional suffering that they have had to endure.
The other 100+ women who have spoken against Nassar have also paid too high a price for any athletic accomplishment that they may have achieved.
It needs to stop.
I don't know how, but this abuse needs to stop.
The price is just too high.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
No, I don't trust them . . .
I no longer trust male leaders in either the evangelical church or conservative politics. If they don't abuse people, they support those who do.
When I put that statement out on Facebook a while back, I was told that I was "painting with a broad brush". But it's very hard not to paint with a broad brush when you see the same story over and over and over, with variations on the same theme of sexual sin.
The Roy Moore story is self-explanatory, and I won't go any further into its sordid details.
In the evangelical church, you have several prominent leaders who have fallen prey to sexual sin. I refer you to this link from an excellent blog which covers issues of abuse in the church.
The latest in the bunch? Andy Savage, a pastor in Memphis, Tennessee, whose sexual assault of a 17-year-old member of his youth group just went public.
Bloggers Dee Parsons and Wanda (Deb) Martin published this story last week on their blog, The Wartburg Watch. (Warning: There is graphic, possible triggering content in this story and a graphic description of sexual activity in my paragraphs below.)
In the early spring of 1998, when Jules Woodson was 17, she was a member of the youth group at Woodlands Parkway Baptist Church (now known as StoneBridge Church) in The Woodlands, Texas (a suburb of Houston). Andy Savage was 23 and her youth minister.
One evening, he offered to drive her home from youth group. But when he drove past the turnoff he was supposed to take to bring her home, she asked what he was doing and he said something like, "you'll see".
She thought he was taking her for ice cream.
Instead, he drove her to a deserted, heavily wooded area, unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis, and told her to perform oral sex on him. She was scared and embarrassed, but she did as she was told. He then asked her to unbutton her shirt. She did. He touched her breasts both over and under her bra.
And then he jumped out of the truck, raced over to her side, and started saying, "What I have done? I'm so sorry. Jules, you can't tell anyone. You have to take this to the grave with you."
He took her home after that.
She ended up telling her senior pastor, Larry Cotton.
The first question he asked was, "So you're telling me you participated?"
Her heart sank to the floor, and she felt a wave of shame and guilt.
Except for confiding in members of her female discipleship group, she told no one until recently, when a friend asked her what had happened back then.
Andy Savage is now a pastor at Highpoint Church Memphis. This past Sunday, he publicly admitted to a "sexual incident" that happened 20 years ago.
The result?
His congregation gave him a standing ovation.
Andy Savage committed a crime. Because the statute of limitations has run out, he will never be held legally accountable for what he did to Jules Woodson. This was not a "sexual incident" where both parties were willing participants. This was a crime, sexual assault, that was committed against a teenage girl. This was not a "mistake" or just simply a "sin" that deserved a standing ovation for Savages' "repentance". This was a crime.
For anyone who asks, why didn't she report it? She did. She told her senior pastor.
Why didn't she go to the police? Well, in many churches, people are encouraged--read "told"--to handle such problems in-house and NOT go to the police. In fact, several years ago, when a Church of Christ minister and his wife discovered that their son had been raped by a church member, they did go to the police--and some members of their congregation wanted to know why they couldn't "work it out" with a fellow brother in Christ. (That "fellow brother in Christ" ended up murdering the minister's wife and child.)
Since this story broke, reaction has been swift. Bethany House Publishers canceled a book that Savage wrote on marriage. KLOVE, the Christian broadcasting group, dropped him from a cruise he was scheduled to participate in. And the national news has picked up Jules Woodson's story.
If this were just an isolated incident of one minister, I wouldn't be so angry. But this story comes in the midst of #metoo allegations from Hollywood and from politics. It also comes after reading "same song, second, third, fourth, etc." verse from so many who are considered leaders in evangelical culture.
So, to those who say that I paint with a broad brush, I'll just give you the same answer I gave at the beginning of this article:
No, I don't trust them.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
When I put that statement out on Facebook a while back, I was told that I was "painting with a broad brush". But it's very hard not to paint with a broad brush when you see the same story over and over and over, with variations on the same theme of sexual sin.
The Roy Moore story is self-explanatory, and I won't go any further into its sordid details.
In the evangelical church, you have several prominent leaders who have fallen prey to sexual sin. I refer you to this link from an excellent blog which covers issues of abuse in the church.
The latest in the bunch? Andy Savage, a pastor in Memphis, Tennessee, whose sexual assault of a 17-year-old member of his youth group just went public.
Bloggers Dee Parsons and Wanda (Deb) Martin published this story last week on their blog, The Wartburg Watch. (Warning: There is graphic, possible triggering content in this story and a graphic description of sexual activity in my paragraphs below.)
In the early spring of 1998, when Jules Woodson was 17, she was a member of the youth group at Woodlands Parkway Baptist Church (now known as StoneBridge Church) in The Woodlands, Texas (a suburb of Houston). Andy Savage was 23 and her youth minister.
One evening, he offered to drive her home from youth group. But when he drove past the turnoff he was supposed to take to bring her home, she asked what he was doing and he said something like, "you'll see".
She thought he was taking her for ice cream.
Instead, he drove her to a deserted, heavily wooded area, unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis, and told her to perform oral sex on him. She was scared and embarrassed, but she did as she was told. He then asked her to unbutton her shirt. She did. He touched her breasts both over and under her bra.
And then he jumped out of the truck, raced over to her side, and started saying, "What I have done? I'm so sorry. Jules, you can't tell anyone. You have to take this to the grave with you."
He took her home after that.
She ended up telling her senior pastor, Larry Cotton.
The first question he asked was, "So you're telling me you participated?"
Her heart sank to the floor, and she felt a wave of shame and guilt.
Except for confiding in members of her female discipleship group, she told no one until recently, when a friend asked her what had happened back then.
Andy Savage is now a pastor at Highpoint Church Memphis. This past Sunday, he publicly admitted to a "sexual incident" that happened 20 years ago.
The result?
His congregation gave him a standing ovation.
Andy Savage committed a crime. Because the statute of limitations has run out, he will never be held legally accountable for what he did to Jules Woodson. This was not a "sexual incident" where both parties were willing participants. This was a crime, sexual assault, that was committed against a teenage girl. This was not a "mistake" or just simply a "sin" that deserved a standing ovation for Savages' "repentance". This was a crime.
For anyone who asks, why didn't she report it? She did. She told her senior pastor.
Why didn't she go to the police? Well, in many churches, people are encouraged--read "told"--to handle such problems in-house and NOT go to the police. In fact, several years ago, when a Church of Christ minister and his wife discovered that their son had been raped by a church member, they did go to the police--and some members of their congregation wanted to know why they couldn't "work it out" with a fellow brother in Christ. (That "fellow brother in Christ" ended up murdering the minister's wife and child.)
Since this story broke, reaction has been swift. Bethany House Publishers canceled a book that Savage wrote on marriage. KLOVE, the Christian broadcasting group, dropped him from a cruise he was scheduled to participate in. And the national news has picked up Jules Woodson's story.
If this were just an isolated incident of one minister, I wouldn't be so angry. But this story comes in the midst of #metoo allegations from Hollywood and from politics. It also comes after reading "same song, second, third, fourth, etc." verse from so many who are considered leaders in evangelical culture.
So, to those who say that I paint with a broad brush, I'll just give you the same answer I gave at the beginning of this article:
No, I don't trust them.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Lancing the boil
The boil on the underbelly of humanity has been lanced, and the results are not pretty.
Ronan Farrow wielded the scalpel when he wrote his expose on Harvey Weinstein, and when the New Yorker published his article, they made the incision.
Since then, I've lost count of the number of sexual assault allegations reported in the news.
We have Hollywood director Harvey Weinstein.
We have Alabama judge Roy Moore.
And last night, broadcaster Charlie Rose was suspended from CBS after eight women accused him of sexual harassment.
It seems that no man in entertainment or politics these days is safe from accusations of sexual harassment.
It's long overdue.
I'm angry. I'm very angry at the way women are treated by powerful men in politics and religion. I'm angry at how the onus is put on the woman for not reporting abuse sooner, rather than on the man for not abusing her in the first place. We ask the woman, why were you there? Why were you wearing what you were wearing? Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you fight back? When do we ask the man, Why did you attack her? Why did you rape her?
I'm angry, too, at the constant barrage of, "If it really happened, why didn't you say something sooner?"
In the first place, how do you know they DIDN'T? How do you know that they didn't tell someone?
In the second place, it takes a lot of courage to go up against a powerful man and say, he did this to me. Our tendency IS to believe the best about prominent people. Also, abusers are usually not dressed in rumpled, dirty clothing. They're often charming. They're the well-dressed, well-mannered, well-groomed men-about-town who know what to say and how to act in public.
And I am weary of the question, "But what about false accusations?"
Yes, there ARE cases where people say things happened that didn't happen. That's why you need people who are trained in how to investigate such cases!
I'm also weary of the comment, "the timing of these accusations is suspicious."
Let me ask you this: When, exactly, IS an appropriate time to report abuse???
Ideally, right after it happens . . . but what happens when you feel you can't or, for whatever reasons, you choose not to? What happens if you're told, "If you tell, I will hurt you. I will hurt your family."
I am truly angry. And I am truly weary.
I hope that the lancing of this boil will bring about proper treatment and healing. Because, God knows, we need it.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
Ronan Farrow wielded the scalpel when he wrote his expose on Harvey Weinstein, and when the New Yorker published his article, they made the incision.
Since then, I've lost count of the number of sexual assault allegations reported in the news.
We have Hollywood director Harvey Weinstein.
We have Alabama judge Roy Moore.
And last night, broadcaster Charlie Rose was suspended from CBS after eight women accused him of sexual harassment.
It seems that no man in entertainment or politics these days is safe from accusations of sexual harassment.
It's long overdue.
I'm angry. I'm very angry at the way women are treated by powerful men in politics and religion. I'm angry at how the onus is put on the woman for not reporting abuse sooner, rather than on the man for not abusing her in the first place. We ask the woman, why were you there? Why were you wearing what you were wearing? Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you fight back? When do we ask the man, Why did you attack her? Why did you rape her?
I'm angry, too, at the constant barrage of, "If it really happened, why didn't you say something sooner?"
In the first place, how do you know they DIDN'T? How do you know that they didn't tell someone?
In the second place, it takes a lot of courage to go up against a powerful man and say, he did this to me. Our tendency IS to believe the best about prominent people. Also, abusers are usually not dressed in rumpled, dirty clothing. They're often charming. They're the well-dressed, well-mannered, well-groomed men-about-town who know what to say and how to act in public.
And I am weary of the question, "But what about false accusations?"
Yes, there ARE cases where people say things happened that didn't happen. That's why you need people who are trained in how to investigate such cases!
I'm also weary of the comment, "the timing of these accusations is suspicious."
Let me ask you this: When, exactly, IS an appropriate time to report abuse???
Ideally, right after it happens . . . but what happens when you feel you can't or, for whatever reasons, you choose not to? What happens if you're told, "If you tell, I will hurt you. I will hurt your family."
I am truly angry. And I am truly weary.
I hope that the lancing of this boil will bring about proper treatment and healing. Because, God knows, we need it.
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
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