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Thursday, August 9, 2018

This is normal?

"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."

I read that statement two nights ago while scrolling through Twitter and was astonished at my absolute visceral reaction of rage to it.

That sentence comes from a new forward to Joan Ryan's book Little Girls In Pretty Boxes, which details the toxic environment that gymnasts and figure skaters are too often subjected to.  American gymnast Jamie Dantzscher, who wrote the new forward, describes the verbal and emotional abuse she endured while training for the Olympic Games.  She made the women's gymnastics team for the 2000 Olympic Games, they placed fourth overall . . . and were made to feel like complete failures.  She trained with numerous injuries and when she told her coaches that she was hurt, they didn't believe her. 

She was also one of the over 200 women abused by Dr. Larry Nassar, and one of the first to file a civil lawsuit against him. 

"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."

I've never been sexually abused.  But I know where my visceral reaction of rage came from. 

It came from the fact that the abuse I suffered--the abuse from being bullied and from being spiritually abused--was absolutely normalized.

The bullied are told, like I was, that they should just "ignore it" or "tell an adult" or "stand up to them" or "it's just part of life, suck it up and get over it" or "they do it because they're jealous of you" or "they just have low self-esteem and this is the way they build themselves up" and, if the victims are Christians, they are told, "forgive them and turn the other cheek".  They are also told that "no one likes a tattletale or a snitch" and "if you fight back, you will be the one punished and the bullies will not be".

In the meantime, the pushes and shoves, the gossip and the embarrassing questions, the blocking in the hallway and the torment in gym class go on and on.

"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."

The spiritually abused are told, "we are the only ones with the truth" or "if you leave us, you leave God" or "The Bible says to rebuke others when they sin" or "You need to be held accountable" or "The Bible says you need to be bold in sharing your faith" or "They're your leaders and you must submit to them, even if they are ungodly" or "When you get married, you can't leave your husband even if he beats you" or "If you don't show up to every single meeting of 'the body' you are uncommitted and in danger of falling away". 

The spiritually abused are expected to put up with harsh sermons, blasting, yelling, orders to "push through" exhaustion and illness, and questioned as to why they didn't get up early in the morning to have a 'quiet time', why they didn't invite anyone to church that day, why they struggle so much with depression, why can't you just repent of your sin and move on?

Yesterday I asked myself the question, what is normal faith?

I understand that Christianity is counter-culture by its very nature.  I follow a man who claimed to be God and whose followers claim that he died and he was raised from the dead.  His followers taught that we needed to love one another and not repay evil for evil.  In an environment where the emperor was worshiped as God, they were taught to honor the emperor but confess Jesus as Lord and worship him only.  In today's culture of "tolerance" and "there are many ways to get to God", Jesus says that no one comes to the Father except through him.  If you want to be popular with the "in crowd", Christianity is not the way to go. 

But is normal faith being told that you have to walk up to strangers on the street, or go up to every cashier you meet, and invite them to church, otherwise, you are disobeying God's command to be bold? 

Does normal faith involve putting up with the advances of a leader because "he's your leader and you have to submit"? 

Is normal faith attending every single gathering of a body of believers even when you are exhausted down to the bone marrow and can barely put one foot in front of the other? 

In normal faith, is "forgiveness" defined as, "I say I'm sorry, you say I forgive you, and we both pretend it never happened?" in cases of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse?

What is normal faith?  There are times I just don't know. 

When abuse of all kinds is normalized, not just sexual abuse on a grand scale can happen, but any kind of abuse:  bullying, spiritual abuse, emotional/verbal abuse between spouses or between boss/employee or any kind of leader/follower. 

It is time for us to stop normalizing abuse.  Bullying is not to be normalized.  Neither is sexual abuse.  Neither is spiritual abuse. 

It should never be normal for someone to go to school and be afraid that their lunch will be stolen, that they will be gossiped about, that they will be pushed and shoved in the hallways . . . and it should never be normal that when they tell an adult, the adult won't believe them.

It should never be normal for someone to be tense around other Christians because they're afraid of being rebuked for not inviting a large number of people to church or Bible study.  Or, for not living up to the standard that the leader has set. 

Abuse is not normal.  And it never should be.

Not in any environment.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.



Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Are we talking about the same person here?

On Mother's Day some years ago, I read a tribute to a mother talking about how the child admired her and how she was such an example to her.

I read that tribute and thought, "Are we talking about the same person here?"

You see, that child was my niece . . . and her mother is my sister.

Don't worry, this is not going to be a "sister dearest" post, where I say, "Oh, everyone thinks my sister is this wonderful, great person, but she has everyone fooled.  Only I know the real story!"  Rather, this is a post about perceptions and how they change over the years.

I think one of the major problems with siblings is that we still tend to see each other as children.  We see each other as we were at age 2, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17.  We remember fighting over the bathroom, fighting over clothes, fighting over who got what side of the bed, ("Mom!  She's hogging all the covers!" "She's kicking me!")  Older sister is still bossy; younger sister is still the brat. 

We don't allow ourselves to see our siblings as the grown-ups they are.  We don't allow ourselves to think that hey, they're people who haven't necessarily had it easy in life.  We immobilize them in concrete, so to speak, and we don't allow them to break out of the mold we've put them in.

Today is my sister's birthday.  She's three years older than I am (and when we were younger, she didn't let me forget it, either.)  We have had our share, and probably more than our share, of arguments, fights, and other conflict. 

But lately, I've been thinking through my sister's life, and I realize that she has not had it all that easy.

My sister was eight when we moved to Florida from Kentucky.  She was the one that had to leave friends behind.  She'd already started school; she had to leave teachers behind and a familiar school.  She left behind a best friend.  I remember my sister's best friend writing her letters after we moved to Florida.  She was the "new student" in third grade, wearing short sleeves when everyone else was wearing sweaters in cold weather.  It just didn't feel that cold to her! 

She started working around the age of 14, not because she "had to" but because she wanted to.  I can't remember if her first job was working with kids or working at the ice cream shop in the mall.  Later, she went to work at a drugstore.  One Saturday, she came charging into the house, not terrified, but furious, and announced, "We got robbed!"  Someone had come in and demanded money.  They cooperated.  No one got hurt.  (Afterwards, she said, "I need a donut, bad!")  Although that had to be frightening, she handled the aftermath with good humor. 

Like most women, she wanted a relationship, and like most women, she had to kiss her share of toads before finding her prince.  She got married in the mid-80's and for the next few years balanced work and marriage.  (I remember visiting her one time and seeing a magnet on her refrigerator, "Never trust a cook under 30.")  She found a successful career working with municipal bonds. 

Her daughter, my niece, was born in the mid-'90s; and soon after, my sister's marriage ended. 

I don't know what it's like to be a single parent.  I can only imagine my sister's thoughts about raising a daughter alone.  She was fortunate in that she was able to live with our mother.  "Nana," (my mother) babysat, and together, they made a family. 

Did my sister imagine that she would find love again?  I don't know.  But she did.  At this writing, she's been married for 18 years.  Her relationship with her second husband can be summed up in this sentence:  My niece asked if her stepfather could adopt her so they could all have the same name . . . and the stepfather agreed.

When her job at the municipal bond firm ended, she partnered with her husband in their business.  (She had a good role model; my parents worked together running a day care center for many years.)  They stay busy, meeting the challenges of satisfying their customers. 

She's been the one that my parents have relied on when they've needed help.  When my father got sick with ALS, she was the one who came and mowed the lawn, who did what needed to be done and what my mother couldn't do. 

When my mother's health began to decline, she was the one that took charge of her care.  I don't think it ever occurred to her not to advocate for our mother.  After all, Mom raised us.  How could my sister not do the same? 

She kept me informed, and she made the difficult decisions that had to be made along the way.  I had no doubt that she would do the right thing where Mom was concerned; and when the time came to carry out Mom's final wishes, she did it. 

The road has not been easy for my sister, and I don't think I appreciate that as much as I should.  It's too easy for me to still see her as "bossy older sister", and to immobilize her in concrete, rather than appreciate that she's an adult with a good head on her shoulders and who knows how to take care of the people and circumstances around her. 

So, if you have a niece or nephew, and one day you see a Mother's Day tribute to them, and you wonder, "are we talking about the same person here?" you have a few choices.

Maybe it's true that your sibling really is the bossy, bratty sibling that you grew up with. 

Or maybe, just maybe -- as in my case -- your niece or nephew just might be right!

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Sit, Christian, sit!

Some time back, a Facebook friend of mine, Bobby Valentine, wrote a Facebook post about the concept of "precision obedience".  The concept goes something like this:  God has precise requirements and he expects us to obey them precisely.  Or, God wants us to do exactly what he says exactly the way he says it.

This got my attention.  I'm a Christian, and I want to obey God.  What Christian doesn't?  Wouldn't it be good to "precisely" obey God?

So I did a trusty Google search of the phrase, "precision obedience".

Know what else came up in my search, besides articles on the teaching of "precision obedience"?

Dog training.

Yes, this doctrine, that we are supposed to do "exactly" what God says "exactly" the way he says it, apparently is on the same level as teaching Rover, Fido, and Spot how to sit, stand, heel, lie down, roll over, and play dead!

Does this mean that we have to do "exactly" what God says "exactly" the way he says it and be rewarded with the spiritual equivalent of a doggy treat?

Look, I get that God calls us to obey him.  Jesus himself said, "If you love me, you will obey my commandments."  We are called to obedience and we are called to a particular standard of living, a particular "code of conduct", if you will, as Christians. 

But here's my problem with the whole concept of "precision obedience".

One, it's not possible.  No one can "precisely obey" anything.  I found it interesting that this article about "precision obedience" appealed to the book of Deuteronomy -- the "second giving" of the Jewish law -- to support the argument that yes, we are called to "precisely obey" what God says.  Apparently the writer forgot that the purpose of the law was to lead us to Christ, and now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law (Galatians 3:25).

Two, how do you quantify "precision obedience"?  Jesus himself said that the two greatest commandments are to love God and love your neighbor as yourself.  (Matthew 22:36-40, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27.)  How do you measure love?  How do you "precisely obey" the command to "love your neighbor as yourself"?  Is there a standard that you can point to that says, you "precisely" obeyed the command to love?

Three, and this is my biggest problem with this entire concept:

Who decides?

Who decides what "precision obedience" is?  And do not tell me, "God decides," because there are plenty of places that he doesn't give us precise guidelines of what to do.  He tells us to "love our neighbor".  He doesn't tell us exactly how to do it.  He tells us to "forgive as the Lord forgave you".  He doesn't give us a formula of how to forgive.  (Believe me, I wish he had!)

Are you not "precisely obeying" if you drop off your church contribution at the office on Friday instead of putting it in the offering plate on Sunday?  Or, if you do your contribution by direct deposit instead of putting in the offering plate? 

If you do Sunday School first and then worship service, are you "precisely obeying"?

What about if you use an overhead projector instead of hymnbooks?

What if you use multiple cups for communion instead of one?  Or pass a plate that has BOTH the bread and the grape juice on it, instead of passing a plate with bread and then passing a plate with juice cups?

And don't get me started on instrumental music.  (For those who comment that the early church didn't use instruments, the early church also didn't use four-part harmony.  If we REALLY want to do things the way the first century did, we'd be singing in something similar to Gregorian chant!)

Although the desire to find out what God wants us to do and to do it is right--and we should find out what God wants us to do and then do it!--this whole concept of "precision obedience" is nothing more than salvation by law-keeping.  Paul wrote an entire book, the book of Galatians, on the fallacy of salvation by the law.  And James wrote that anyone who keeps the whole law but stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. (James 2:10)  Peter, in the book of Acts, refers to law-keeping as a yoke that neither they nor their ancestors were able to bear (Acts 15:10). 

"Precision obedience" puts a believer, metaphorically speaking, on a tightrope walking over Niagara Falls.  One slip, and they're doomed!  They will fall into the bubbling waters of Lake Ontario, and the Maid of the Mist will probably not be there to catch them. 

This whole idea of "precision obedience" reminds me of the very end of Family Ties, although I'd probably change it to the following:

"Sit, Christian, sit!"

"Good dog."

Woof!

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.