Are we talking about the same person here?

On Mother's Day some years ago, I read a tribute to a mother talking about how the child admired her and how she was such an example to her.

I read that tribute and thought, "Are we talking about the same person here?"

You see, that child was my niece . . . and her mother is my sister.

Don't worry, this is not going to be a "sister dearest" post, where I say, "Oh, everyone thinks my sister is this wonderful, great person, but she has everyone fooled.  Only I know the real story!"  Rather, this is a post about perceptions and how they change over the years.

I think one of the major problems with siblings is that we still tend to see each other as children.  We see each other as we were at age 2, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17.  We remember fighting over the bathroom, fighting over clothes, fighting over who got what side of the bed, ("Mom!  She's hogging all the covers!" "She's kicking me!")  Older sister is still bossy; younger sister is still the brat. 

We don't allow ourselves to see our siblings as the grown-ups they are.  We don't allow ourselves to think that hey, they're people who haven't necessarily had it easy in life.  We immobilize them in concrete, so to speak, and we don't allow them to break out of the mold we've put them in.

Today is my sister's birthday.  She's three years older than I am (and when we were younger, she didn't let me forget it, either.)  We have had our share, and probably more than our share, of arguments, fights, and other conflict. 

But lately, I've been thinking through my sister's life, and I realize that she has not had it all that easy.

My sister was eight when we moved to Florida from Kentucky.  She was the one that had to leave friends behind.  She'd already started school; she had to leave teachers behind and a familiar school.  She left behind a best friend.  I remember my sister's best friend writing her letters after we moved to Florida.  She was the "new student" in third grade, wearing short sleeves when everyone else was wearing sweaters in cold weather.  It just didn't feel that cold to her! 

She started working around the age of 14, not because she "had to" but because she wanted to.  I can't remember if her first job was working with kids or working at the ice cream shop in the mall.  Later, she went to work at a drugstore.  One Saturday, she came charging into the house, not terrified, but furious, and announced, "We got robbed!"  Someone had come in and demanded money.  They cooperated.  No one got hurt.  (Afterwards, she said, "I need a donut, bad!")  Although that had to be frightening, she handled the aftermath with good humor. 

Like most women, she wanted a relationship, and like most women, she had to kiss her share of toads before finding her prince.  She got married in the mid-80's and for the next few years balanced work and marriage.  (I remember visiting her one time and seeing a magnet on her refrigerator, "Never trust a cook under 30.")  She found a successful career working with municipal bonds. 

Her daughter, my niece, was born in the mid-'90s; and soon after, my sister's marriage ended. 

I don't know what it's like to be a single parent.  I can only imagine my sister's thoughts about raising a daughter alone.  She was fortunate in that she was able to live with our mother.  "Nana," (my mother) babysat, and together, they made a family. 

Did my sister imagine that she would find love again?  I don't know.  But she did.  At this writing, she's been married for 18 years.  Her relationship with her second husband can be summed up in this sentence:  My niece asked if her stepfather could adopt her so they could all have the same name . . . and the stepfather agreed.

When her job at the municipal bond firm ended, she partnered with her husband in their business.  (She had a good role model; my parents worked together running a day care center for many years.)  They stay busy, meeting the challenges of satisfying their customers. 

She's been the one that my parents have relied on when they've needed help.  When my father got sick with ALS, she was the one who came and mowed the lawn, who did what needed to be done and what my mother couldn't do. 

When my mother's health began to decline, she was the one that took charge of her care.  I don't think it ever occurred to her not to advocate for our mother.  After all, Mom raised us.  How could my sister not do the same? 

She kept me informed, and she made the difficult decisions that had to be made along the way.  I had no doubt that she would do the right thing where Mom was concerned; and when the time came to carry out Mom's final wishes, she did it. 

The road has not been easy for my sister, and I don't think I appreciate that as much as I should.  It's too easy for me to still see her as "bossy older sister", and to immobilize her in concrete, rather than appreciate that she's an adult with a good head on her shoulders and who knows how to take care of the people and circumstances around her. 

So, if you have a niece or nephew, and one day you see a Mother's Day tribute to them, and you wonder, "are we talking about the same person here?" you have a few choices.

Maybe it's true that your sibling really is the bossy, bratty sibling that you grew up with. 

Or maybe, just maybe -- as in my case -- your niece or nephew just might be right!

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.