But I can’t.
Today I’m in bed. Yesterday I got a sore throat, a minor sore throat, and I just did not feel well. So I crawled back into bed. This is after Monday/Tuesday when my husband and I switched offices. Frank may have a chance to work from home, and his work is such that he needs privacy that working in our bedroom is not going to give him. So now he has a place to work where he can shut the door and be alone.
His office is now reasonably neat and tidy.
My office is a total shambles.
And right now, I just do not have the energy to try and fix it.
I did take a walk on Tuesday, after dealing with a frustrating morning with technology. My husband needed help getting on Zoom. My son needed help with his online assignments. His teacher’s phone wasn’t working so couldn’t receive texts. So when I vented to my poor BFF, she said, “You need chocolate.”
So, after I went walking, I raided Publix, and not only did I get peanut butter M & M’s, I also scored a BOGO deal on potato and corn chips AND scored two bags of flour.
During my walk, I prayed. I feel so selfish when I pray for myself. And yet, I am wrestling with areas in my faith right now. I’m not really obsessed with the question, why did God allow the coronavirus? (Others are, and that’s understandable.). I understand that sin screwed things up when Eve ate the forbidden fruit and Adam joined her. We’ve all been paying the consequences ever since. I don’t believe this virus is a “judgement from God”. He isn’t mad at us. I think He gets angry, disappointed, and hurt at our behavior (including my behavior) and our thoughts and attitudes (including my thoughts and attitudes), but I don’t think He woke up in a bad mood and decided to inflict coronavirus on everyone.
My frustration is with religion and with American evangelical Christianity, and it’s been building for years. We seem to be so worried about the forms of religion, about *how* we worship, rather than *why* we worship. We seem to be so worried about appearances. We feel like we can’t share that we are unhappy, depressed, that we have questions about traditional teachings and traditional practices.
This is a very crass, disgusting way to put it, but sometimes I think some Christians believe that their farts don’t stink.
Yeah, that’s pretty shocking. I remember hearing an interview many years ago with a Christian recording artist where he said that sometimes people think that “Christians don’t fart”. I was shocked that he would say such a thing. But you know something? He’s right. I think too many of us put on this attitude of, oh, we don’t deal with the same problems that the world does. We’re above it all. We can rise above anything that Satan throws at us because we’re Christians, we have God, we have the Holy Spirit; so bring it on, Satan, as long as you stay 6 feet away. Yeah, we can handle persecution, we can handle bad times. If someone points a gun at us and demands that we renounce our faith, we’ll say, “No way! Go ahead and shoot.” Because, you know, Jesus says if anyone is ashamed of me, He’ll be ashamed of them, so if you don’t pass this along to everyone in your email, Facebook list, you must be totally ashamed of Jesus!
I get tired of feeling like I have to be “spiritual” all.the.freaking.time. I have to read only “Christian” or “spiritual” books or listen to only “spiritual” podcasts. Know what I’m listening to right now? A World War II podcast, where the podcaster reads the news of this day 80 years ago and then plays what would have been on the radio that day. Yes, I did listen to my preacher’s podcast on YouTube. I enjoy listening to him. He’s just as much on the front lines as grocery workers, doctors, nurses, and others. And I imagine he’s wrestling with the spiritual questions just as much as I am. He feels the responsibility to lead his flock responsibly. I salute him. I salute all preachers and religious workers who are wrestling and helping other people wrestle.
But I think my sentence above sums up a lot of my frustration with American evangelical Christianity: I feel like I have to be “spiritual” all.the.freaking.time. My conversation has to always be about how wonderful my Bible study is, or what an awesome prayer time I’ve had, or how many people I’ve talked to about Jesus or about my faith. I have to have a list of “spiritual”, Christian authors I have read or are reading or want to read. As a woman, I have to speak in this soft, breathy voice, with what I’ve heard described as the “evangelical lilt” with every other word being “the Lord” this and “the Lord” that. I need to exclaim over the latest Beth Moore or Priscilla Shirer or Christine Caine study. What happens when I’m burned out on fill-in-the-blank ladies’ Bible studies? What happens when you’re tired of American Christian culture? What happens when you want to be authentic and share your struggles as well as your victories?
American Christian culture is all about victory and about how to live the Christian life. There’s very little room for continual struggle and questioning.
Such are the musings of Tina from her sickbed today!
So, all together now: “
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine!
Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.
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